11/06/09 - The Admiral Daniel Lyons has an observation to make:

"No need to explain or elaborate (that's a weird word), getting a needle in your upper right chest SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A cautionary statement that is both true and, to the casual untrained observer, potentially disturbing.

10/29/09 - The Admiral Daniel Lyons wishes to point something out!

"A great man once said, people who throw dirt, lose ground."

That's why jerks are the number one form of erosion.

10/07/09 - The honorable Admiral Daniel Lyons wishes to ponder:

Once you reach 50 - NEVER trust a fart to be a fart!

It's true...it's also a severe clue as towards what runied the last 12 Thanksgivings...

09/17/09 - Now hear this! The Admiral Daniel Lyons shall Ponder...

"Sometimes, you just gotta say - WHAT THE HELL!!!"

This is always true...except in church...unless you actually see hell...then let the priest or preacher know...

09/15/09 - The Admiral Daniel Lyons has a response to yesterday's Ponderance!

I'm old enough to be crotchety and I will tell you that The Real World is anything but real....and why do I know about the Real World???? Bah Humbug.

Most of our coversations tend to go like this. He tells me how he had to walk through snowstorms, I tell him that he just doesn't understand my rap music. We like the way it works...

08/27/09 - Admiral Daniel Lyons, if you would be so kind:

A wise man (Yogi Berra) once said "When you come to a fork in the road - take it".

Unfortunately, this comes from a rather traumatic day in my childhood when we witnessed a silverware truck jackknife near our home.

08/26/09 - Writer's Block is a dangerous thing. Not "escaped tiger" dangerous, but dangerous nonetheless....

08/25/09 - Admiral Daniel Lyons has a Ponderance he wishes to convey!

As W.C. Fields said when he was dying, "On second thought, I would rather be in Philadelphia."

I'm not sure why though. Are the Rocky steps the same as the Stairway to Heaven?

08/21/09 - Admiral Daniel Lyons has something to Ponder...so LISTEN!

Monday through Friday - ALL sides of the bed are the WRONG side!!!!

It's true. That's why I grew up sleeping on sideless beds and strived to adhere to my family's strict "workin' for the weekend" policy.

08/09/09 - The Admiral Daniel Lyons shall now ponder:

If at first you don't succeed, try and try again - then give up, no sense being a damn fool about it!

This is why Sir Joseph only lasted one season in every pee wee sports league...that and his sunken chest...

08/05/09 - Another gem from Admiral Daniel Lyons!

"With regards to todays financial situation I think it is time to take the bull by the tail and face the situation!!!"

I think those are important words to live by...no matter how smelly the implied situation may be!

08/04/09 - Shave and a haircut, one-hundred and sixty bits!

It's not as catchy today....

07/13/09 - Another Ponderification from the Great Admiral Daniel Lyons:

I can think of 3 reasons not to drink water:
1. It turns a straight stick crooked.
2. It rusts pipes.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
3. Fish fornicate in it.

It's horrifying AND true...it's the same reason why we were never allowed to look up as children...what with the birds fornicating and all.

07/09/09 - July 9th, 1982. Tron premieres. A young Sir Joseph lyons Esq. is never the same. He now also uses frisbees as weapons. Time for a re-ponderance from 09/12/08:

Upcoming song list for my Tron musical:

• I'm Rollin' in the Quarters
• Don't De-Rez My Heart
• Everyone's Throwin' These Freakin' Glowin' Frisbees!
• You Can Have My Extra Life
• Get a Clu, Tron!
• Yori's Lament
• I'm My Own Master Control Program
• To the I/O Tower!
• I'll be Your User, If You'll Be My Program
• Light Cycles A'Poppin'!
• Let's CTRL-ALT-DEL Sark!
• Waitaminute! Everyone at ENCOM Looked Like Those Crazy Computer People!
• Tron it Up!

It's gonna be huge.

07/08/09 - Another gem from Admiral Daniel Lyons of the Fighting Lyons' (in that they are Lyons' that fight, not people who fight lions).

"Why does Philly, the City of Brotherly Love, lead the nation in homicides? Do we love our brothers pushing up daisies?"

Hmmm, a sad but true dilemma. Could it have something to do with the implied violence that the Rocky movies impose on us? Or is it the fact that our state's original name was Stabsylvania? One can only wonder...

07/03/09 - Today's Ponderance is courtesy of my very own father, Admiral Daniel Lyons, the original Ponderer.

"If the South had won the Civil War - would "Kiss my grits" be the the national slogan and would Flo have been the first woman president?"

Truer Ponderances have never been Pondered. I guess what they say is true, the ballistic missile never falls far from the North Korean missile facility.

06/21/09 - I can't help but wonder if I'd be in a better in position in life if I had just studied the nunchaku more.

05/18/09 - Brand new initiatives that companies can do to their employees "what with the economy and all":

• Tuesdays are spent making staples.
• Bring your Daughter to work and make her answer phones day.
• Accounts Payable works in the first quarter. Accounts Recievable works in the second quarter.
• Everyone share computers!
• Every other cubicle works by candlelight.
• Either give up 3 vacation days or Pregnant Cathy doesn't work here anymore.
• Bring an extra sandwhich to work for your boss on Thursdays.
• Supervised bathroom breaks.
• Every lost margin percentage point gets you an hour in the hole.
• Spend your weekend crying about the fact that the CFO doesn't have a skybox any more...the poor man...
• T.G.I.W.A.H.S. - Thank God It's Work At Home Saturday.
• Sorry, but there's a Hiring Freeze, a Pay Increase Freeze, an Equipment Freeze, and a Freeze Freeze, where they lower the thermostat so much that time acutally slows down.
• Sales is working mostly off of Wi-Fi stolen from the Barnes and Noble next door.
• Only closers get chairs.

04/30/09 -

Thing - How to Serve It:

• Revenge - Cold
• Passion - Hot
• Malice - En flambe'
• Disillusionment - a la mode
• Confusion - In a Bread Bowl
• Irony - However it's served, send it back
• Scorn - Slathered in Mayonaise
• Discomfort - In a Stew
• Betrayal - Out of a Dumpster

04/20/09 -

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04/15/09 - Best album/year/novel about a dystopian future that seems closer and more relevant with each and every day?

1984.

04/06/09 - It's at times like this that I like to play it safe and ask for good mojo from all of the big men upstairs:

• God
• Buddah
• The Big Bopper
• The Notorious B.I.G.
• Santa
• Curly Howard
• Andre the Giant
• John Candy
• And Charles, a fat guy that literally lives upstairs from me.

All right fellas, do your stuff...

03/26/09 - Some people go fishing to relax. Others go to catch thier meals. While others are in it for the sport. Me? I'm just hoping one of these days I'll eventually catch a talking/wish-granting fish...and then everyone will be sorry...

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02/21/09 - I'm sad today. Know what that means? Time for some old school funny ha-ha!!

So, I lent a friend of mine some money to get some plastic surgery...now I can't find him.

Thanks, Pop!

02/20/09 - I don't get country music. I think it may have something to do with the fact that my lady has never left me for a horse....yet....stupidy sexy home-wrecking horses....

02/19/09 - Where I thought I would be today at age 9: Movie Director who Fights Crime at Night

Where I am today at age 30: I've finally decided to start a Netflix subscription.

02/04/09 - Look, either I do the dishes, or I'm going to have to start filling out zoning permits for "Filthtopia".

01/26/09 - The fun thing about anniversaries is that sometimes the gifts that are involved come with a theme...like gold and silver and tin and diamond and cobalt and tungsten and then, in your later years, it's mostly all lanthinides and actinides...

01/12/09 -

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12/17/08 - My new favorite things to call people that kind of sound like insults, but don't actually mean anything:

• H-Bag
• Sir Guy
• Sally Bell Peppers
• Coloring Book
• Fork Stabber
• Lamp Shade
• Ham Sandwhich
• Hedge Fund
• The Great Something
• Bickets
• Three-Bag

12/08/08 - The method by which the ancient Egyptians got slaves to willingly do their back-breaking labor? Pyramid Schemes.

I promise this will be my only pun for the rest of 2008.

12/02/08 - I figured out the best core-blasting workout to get those washboard abs that all of the girls seem to enjoy. And it only takes 7 easy steps...

• Step 1 - Get filthy drunk.
• Step 2 - Get a 150 pound barbell designed for shoulder presses.
• Step 3 - Stand on a treadmill.
• Step 4 - Turn the treadmill on to full power.
• Step 5 - Sprint while doing shoulder presses.
• Step 6 - After you shatter every bone in your torso, ask the surgeon to give you sexy abs.
• Step 7 - Enjoy.

Ahhh, yes, Thanksgiving. The very word invokes images of families gathered around large tables giving thanks for the things that haven’t quite put them in prison yet. One can’t help but also think about Pilgrims and Native Americans joining in the spirit of togetherness, while they celebrate the slaughter of a helpless Turkey-American…before…you know…additional bloodshed and land in exchange for beads taking. Truly, this is what Thanksgiving is all about. And if this is what you think, then you would be so horribly wrong that I’d probably have to sit down for a little while to just be able to handle your abject stupidity. We here at the Hodgepodge Society, if nothing else, are constantly trying to uncover the truth about our world’s holidays. We’ve had our triumphs, like when we uncovered the original Arbor Day Tree, and we’ve had our horrifying brushes with grisly reality, like when we discovered that the origins of Flag Day pretty much revolved exclusively around firing endangered badgers out of cannons for both distance and accuracy. That’s right, wave your flag and don’t worry about why there aren’t any more Costa Rican Switchblade Badgers anymore.

Anyway, the origins of Thanksgiving are both complicated and fascinating. It can be traced back to the xenophobic days of feudal Japan. There, Hodgepodge Society member Ori Nakimura, a low ranking samurai and closeted Kabuki performer, discovered a an ancient and venomous strain of sentient cranberry sauce, possibly engineered by a dirty westerner in an attempt to infect ancient Japan with powdered wigs and missionary positions. Ori, thrilled at the possibility of acting in the Kabuki Theater with a form of cranberry sauce, named the poisonous and angry lifeform “Toshi” and attempted to book them a series of matinees for the amusement of the Emperor. It would be fair to mention at this point in the story, that Ori was a bit of an idiot, in fact, he only gained Hodgepodge Society membership because of his tremendous singing voice and his ability to help us translate the ancient Japanese tome of epic Samurai Warrior “Your Mamma Be So Fat” Jokes. During the first rehearsal of Ori’s own self penned Kabuki play “Neil Simon’s Lost in Okinawa”, Toshi, the sentient and quite venomous cranberry sauce, devoured Ori, along with everyone else in his prefecture, and then hopped a trade ship on it’s way to the New World.

When Toshi arrived on the North American continent, he ruled most of what would become Canada for several hundred years. Many a moose and the few remaining primordial lumberjacks trembled before the might of Toshi as he devoured all that stood in his path all while making unreasonable proclamations like the eradication of any and all insects that began with the letter “F” and the requirement for all lifeforms to wear slacks in his presence. His was a harsh rule. Several governing bodies throught the globe outlawed the use of cranberries and the cranberry itself was known, from that point on, as the “Bastard Fruit”. Something had to be done to stop Toshi and his oppressive rule by eating and slacks. It was a Hodgepodge Society member who discovered him and it would be a Hodgepodge Society member who would have to put a stop to him.

Her name was Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay, a Navaho princess known for her great beauty and even greater skill in the art of humor. She was inducted into the Hodgepodge Society after she united 17 Native American tribes through laughter during her roast of her father, Suavely Trades Land For Beads. Upon hearing the plight of the people in Canada, under the gooey and vicious rule of Toshi, Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay knew something had to be done. One day, she asked for an audience with Toshi, under the guise of being able to suggest to him how to finally get rid of all of the damn primordial lumberjacks. Armed with only her wit and a crude Native American flamethrower (a gassy woodchuck affixed to the end of a torch), Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay approached the smelly and unappetizing Toshi. “So tell me,” the cranberry monstrosity belched, “what is to be done about these accursed lumberjacks?!” “Well”, Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay began to explain, “you see, they can’t live without flannel and…NOW!” For you see, “Now” is Navaho for “do that thing we talked about earlier right this very moment” and upon hearing this signal, a team of angry Kabuki Samurai rained down upon Toshi from the trees and sliced him into several hundred thousand, ridged loafs with their ancient Swords of Despair and Stabbing.

It was a good thing Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay had contacted the Kabuki Samurai a few weeks earlier through a smoke signal-giant gong communiqué and they were eager for the chance to avenge the fallen Hodgepodge Society member, Ori. The battle was long and messy, but in the end Toshi was vanquished to the land of dead sentient food, and Canada went back to being peacefully free until the Mole People took over in 1964. Now all that was left was to figure out what to do with the basically tolerable loafs of Toshi. Good thing Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay had an idea. Those pushy Christians that had just sailed over from Europe were looking for an excuse to get rid of all of the turkeys they had slaughtered, since it was then viewed as the least holy of the bird world, and they figured the Native Americans would be more than happy to do so. So the Christians showed up with their dirty turkeys and the Native Americans showed up with their hunks of a deceased cranberry overlord. Bread was broken stories were shared….and it all pretty much went downhill from there.

So there you have it, the origins of Thanksgiving. Just a big ol’ cover-up for an excuse to choke down cranberry sauce every year. If we all do our part and have at least 1 slice of the damn stuff, then we’ll help make sure that a venomous sentient cranberry monster never takes over Canada ever again. So, please pass some more of that gravy, and Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

11/20/08 - You know what they always say! You won't get any Monkey Shines if you don't stock up on your Gibbon Grease...

Nobody really says that but me...

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10/18/08 - Kung Fu styles and the corresponding style that they beat:

• Tiger Style beats Preying Mantis Style....which doesn't beat anything...it's for losers
• Monkey Style beats Tiger Style
• Snake Style cripples Monkey Style
• Dragon Style ruins Snake Style
• Dragon Style has a werid time dealing with Hysterical Pregnant Woman Style
• Hysterical Pregnant Woman Style is crushed by the The Five Fisted Norweigan Fisherman Style
• The Five Fisted Norweigan Fisherman Style is useless against Tuberculosis Fu
• Tuberculosis Fu is exceptionally weak against the Rancid Tuna Loaf of Kicking School of Martial Arts
• Rancid Tuna Loaf of Kicking School of Martial Arts can't hold a candle to...well...Crotch Slapping
• Crotch Slapping has inherent flaws going up against Tae Bo
• Tae Bo is destryoed by the Ancient Fist of the Tax Code Law
• The Ancient Fist of the Tax Code Law can't match the ferocity of the tenants of the Cornered Science Club Dork Style
• Cornered Science Club Dork Style can only only be met blow for blow by the Undying Shriek of Oscar Wilde
• And finally, nothing, and I mean nothing, can be stopped by the pure martial terror that will rain down on your opponent when you whip out the Crouching Paintball Gun, Idling Getaway Car Style.

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10/16/08 - A list of the only things I feel are appropriate to hunt from a helicopter:

• Zombies
• Geurillas (not the monkey, the machine gun kind)
• Werewolves
• Primordial Lumberjacks
• Gamera
• Vans with the words "Fox News" printed on the side.
• Clowns
• Hyper-intelligent Meerkats
• Burning Man participants
• Sleestaks
• The dancers from the Thriller video

You know what, I better just make a newsletter or a pamphlet about this. There's a lot to list.

10/15/08 - Holy socks! I just realized that I missed my 365th Ponderance anniversary spectacular. A whole year just came a went and I totally forgot to acknowledge it. What do you get someone when you forget about an anniversary and that someone just so happens to be yourself?

Probably a samurai sword with their portrait etched on the blade....meaning my portrait....I would totally forgive myself if I got that!

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09/24/08 - Bedtimes are for little baby grade schoolers and for people who care about performing adequately at their jobs and at life. Bunch of suckers. I ain't got no time for sleep. There's comedy to write and video games to play while you ignore the writing thing....{yawn}...yep...I am the greatest man who ever lived...no sleep for ol' Sir Joseph...the super genisdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Ow. There's drool all over my keyboard and it's 3 days after tomorrow.

I need coffee.

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09/12/08 - Upcoming song list for my Tron musical:

• I'm Rollin' in the Quarters
• Don't De-Rez My Heart
• Everyone's Throwin' These Freakin' Glowin' Frisbees!
• You Can Have My Extra Life
• Get a Clu, Tron!
• Yori's Lament
• I'm My Own Master Control Program
• To the I/O Tower!
• I'll be Your User, If You'll Be My Program
• Light Cycles A'Poppin'!
• Let's CTRL-ALT-DEL Sark!
• Waitaminute! Everyone at ENCOM Looked Like Those Crazy Computer People!
• Tron it Up!

It's gonna be huge.

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09/01/08 - Labor Day is here! Time to celebrate our constant, life-shortening, soul-crushing work by taking a day off so we can paint the house and re-tar the roof and seal the driveway and finish the basement and bathe the children and re-till the soil and relax. Yeah, this wil definately refresh me for all of the days before Thanksgiving.

07/27/08 - My best made up cocktails based on video games:

• The Donkey Kong - Banana Liqueur and Listerine
• The Metroid - Ethanol and mashed up bits of jelly fish
• The Mega Man - Ultra weight gain powder and grain alcohol (do not drink near open flams or children)
• The Luigi - Ragu', chianti, and broken dreams
• The Pac Man - Melted Yellow Peeps and random prescription pills you steal from grandma
• The Grand Theft Auto - Siphoned gasoline and...well, that's pretty much it....it's a bit of a last resort.

07/25/08 - Who died and made Prince Shagandoo Matumba king?

Oh yeah...King Weedoo Matumba did. My bad.

06/18/08 - Waitwaitwaitwait! Hamburger Helper ISN'T a well respected tutor program for young, up and coming bovines?! Then what the hell did I send Professor MooMoo to?!

Oh no.

06/07/08 - Children are our future. Old folks are our past. You're the present, but, baby, I'm the present perfect.

Please stop hitting me with that pepper spray! It's doing what it was designed to do and that's bad for me!

05/28/08 - As we enter the delights of the wedding season, I offer to you the top 17 ways to propose to your significant other from my top selling field guide, 101 Ways To Propose to Your Significant Other!

• "How's about you and me earn ourselves a tax break?"
• Rent out a movie theater. Propose to them at the end of a private screening of your favorite romantic movie. May I suggest "Debbie Does Monte Carlo" or "The Hills Have Thighs".
• "Oh Baby. Be the Nancy Spungen to my Sid Vicious. Be the Cybil Shepherd to my Travis Bickle. Be the Devine Brown to my Hugh Grant."
• Paint "Marry Me!" on the side of their house while they're at work.
• "You're drunk and I'm available....so...you know....let's buzz by the court house."
• Wisk them away to an exotic location like Pakistan or Syria.
• "Our love is so strong, it makes Romeo and Juliet look like a bunch diseased sex offenders."
• Propose at a sporting event. The World Series or the Super Bowl is all well and good, but nothing says "I love you" like Wrestlemania XXXVIII, Monsters of Monster Trucks, or any given WPGA event.
• "Let's proclaim our love to the world, my darling....as soon as it's legal in this state."
• Nothing says passion like eloping in Vegas. Assure your fiance' that even though your first 6 Vegas weddings didn't work out you feel 85% certain that this one will.
• "I guess it's time we settled for each other."
• Always be sure you get their parent's permission first. Showing your fiance' a polaroid of their father giving you the finger is permission enough in my book.
• "You are the hobo sleeping in the dumpster of my heart."
• Instead of buying a ring, get them a precious family heirloom that means more to you than the whole world, like Unlce Leroy's prosthetic leg or joint custody of Louis, the cousin that has to stay in the attic for "his own good".
• "How would like to own half of my comic book collection?"
• Write them a love poem. Remember, there aren't a whole lot of words that rhyme with "consummate" properly in iambic pentameter..
• "If we don't get married then I'm going to have to ship you back to Russia."

05/26/08 - I'll be enjoying the day off. I'll be enjoying the sun. I'll be enjoying a sale or two. But I won't stop remembering him.

Family man. War hero. Funniest guy I knew. Without him there would be no Hodgepodge Society. Thanks for teaching me how to find humor in everything, Pop.

05/13/08 - If I ever get whisked away to Narnia, the first thing I'm doing is getting me some of them goat legs.

05/10/08 - I told my pal Evan I would have a ponderance in his honor, so here we go. You know you're having a good time when you're spending it with friends and you realize that you've drank enough beer that using conventional fluid measurements no longer apply. Nothing says "I had a good time and I apologize for the horrible things I did to your room" than 2 pounds of beer.

05/02/08 - Potential sidekicks for Iron Man:

• Cobalt Lad
• The Tungsten Kid
• Rust Runt
• Gold Gal (Probably a better arch-nemesis name)
• Sir Joseph Lyons Esq.
• Iron Man Jr.
• Robin...but just in metal underpants
• The Calcium Crusader
• Phosphorous Boy
• Iron Man's Pal Andy Rooney

05/01/08 - Rambo. Die Hard. Rocky. Indiana Jones. Man, oh man. It's not the return of the action stars from the 80's...it's the return of the action stars IN their 80's.

Heh. Hehehe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh Lordy! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey Honey! Guess what I just wrote! HAHAHA! You know how Harrison Ford and Stallone and such are real old, but they were in action movies in the 1980's? What?! No I can't hear you! No, I said Stallone! Yeah! No I didn't take out the garbage yet, I'm pondering! What?! It can wait until after dinner! No AFTER dinner! What?! What do you mean you're suffocating!?! Well, I had a whole bunch of dreams too! Don't do that while I'm pondering!!! What?! Forget it! I'll be in the garage watching Night of the Comet!

04/23/08 - Adorable Ways to Explain a Thunderstorm to Children:

• Angels bowling
• God's just moving furniture
• The Human Cannonball is practicing at the circus
• Astronauts taking off
• Superman clapped his hands
• Atlas shrugged

Awful Ways to Explain Thunderstorms to Children:

• Airplanes are doin' it
• Odin is striking down sinners
• Jesus farted
• The nuclear power plant is exploding
• Superman just punched Daddy.
• Leave me a lone and read Atlas Shrugged...ya crummy orphan.

04/01/08 - Ahhhh, April Fools Day. Holiday of kings. The one day to celebrate truly the finest amongst us; the fool. The one day that keeps the makers of fake vomit in business and makes the most stoic tremble in fear. I would ponder more, but I must go convince someone that a polar bear has taken residence inside their Subaru.

Happy NEW New Years!

03/25/08 - Most Exciting Alternate Dimensions:

• Cowboy
• Lava World
• Hitler's Brain wins WWIII
• Nudist
• Medievel
• Werewolf

Least Exciting Alternate Dimensions:

• Librarian
• Universal Metric System
• Utopia
• The Everyone's Greek Universe
• Pork is the only white meat
• Gay Cowboy

03/23/08 - And now, in celebration of this Holiday please enjoy the top 17 ways to survive the rigors of Easter from my top selling field guide "101 Ways to Survive the Rigors of Easter". Enjoy:

• When hiding Easter eggs from small children, be sure to put some eggs in hard to reach places, so that the little kids can attain some sense of accomplishment. May I suggest a rusty old septic system, in your wolverine cage, or Dr. P. H. McWisenheimer's Grand Museum of Broken Glass and Other Sharp Things.
• Remember folks, baby chicks don't make good pets. Sure they're tiny and cute when they're little, but you'll be sorry you got them when you've got a rabid chicken on top of City Hall with an automatic weapon gunning down people.
• Always be sure to keep in mind the true spirit of Easter. The day a giant anthromorphic rabbit with a pension for candy, died for our sins.
• Caught up in the heat of Easter morning passion with your spouse or significant other? Well, cool your jets! Those Peeps are not reliable contraceptives!
• Decorate your Easter Eggs beautifully for the children that you like. Just rehide last year's eggs for that little sociopath that can't seem to stop dropping his pants in the cafeteria.
• Make sure you send the kids to bed early the day before Easter. This will give you plenty of time to hide eggs, enjoy some Easter nog, and erase all of the evidence of their original birth parents.
• Black jelly beans are a tool of Satan. Don't ever forget this. Anyone who says they like them is probably trying to trick you into buying a time share or something.
• Easter is a beautiful time of love and forgiveness. A time to be together with family...a family who shouldn't give you a hard time, since you've been convicted of attacking all of those people with a claw hammer...because they should be full of the Easter spirit...or else you'll claw hammer them good.
• Santa knows if you've been bad or good...but all the Easter Bunny cares about is how much time you spend thinking about that cheerleader on that Bud Light billboard.
• Don't ever forget the countless people who die every Easter trying to eat that damned delicious looking plastic grass.
• Make sure it's a fun time with Easter Carols! Kids always perk up to fun songs like "The Easter Bunny was Delicious", "Jesus is Back so Gimme Some Candy", and "It's not a 'Good' Friday if I Gotta Go to Work".
• Remember, Thundercats action figures are the best when putting on a Passion play for the kids. "And lo! Panthro saw that the tomb had been opened and the body of Lion-O was no longer there! And Snarf rejoiced!"
• Cadbury Eggs are the Easter equivilent of crack cocaine or heroin. Easter is wonderful...but the week after that is a dizzying nightmare of Trainspotting-esque proportions.
• If you don't find all of the hidden Easter eggs, then Jesus will have died for nothing.
• Weaving your own Easter basket can be "fun". Notice the use of quotes in "fun". It's "fun" as in it's better than having to give an erotic message to Johnathan Winters...but that's about it.
• You can watch all of the great Easter themed movies! Let's watch Jesus Christ, Superstar and....well....ummm.....what about....no that one was about shaolin monks....hmmm.....well....awww, damn it! Screw it. Let's just watch Clash of the Titans instead.
• What are you people doing?!? Don't you see!?! We've got to prepare! Easter marks the birth of Zombie Jesus! He's arisen and he's hungry...for BRAINS! I'll board us up in the storm cellar, you grab the Peeps and load up my shotgun.

Happy Easter everyone!

03/20/08 - I don't practice Santeria. I ain't got no crystal ball.

That's why I use tarot cards...they're GI Joe tarot cards....Roadblock is the Goblet card...I have no idea what it means...

03/13/08 - I think it's important that we hold our elected officials to a higher moral standard than we hold ourselves. That's why I hate it when politicians get caught up on scandals. When that happens I need to make myself way worse by comparison. I'm sick and tired of selling black market eyeballs to Serbians just for piece of mind.

03/05/08 - The best treatment for a headache? A temple massage and the soothing sound of gentle ocean waves. The worst treatment for a headache? Temple-centric hammer-beatings and the sound of two High School Marching Band buses crashing head first into each other.

I've tried both.

02/14/08 - In celebration of the anniversary of what I'm sure was the gruesome murder of Saint Valentine, I now present to you the top 17 ways to tell that pretty girl you like that you like them, from my #1 best-selling field guide 101 Ways to Let That Pretty Girl You Like Know You Like Them. Enjoy:

• Nothing says "I think you're sexy" more than an intrepretive dance set to the theme of The Jeffersons at her great uncle's funeral.
• Roses are for losers. Send her a bouquet of kittens. But good luck trying to find a florist that's willing to put those suckers on sticks for you. BELIEVE ME.
• Be sure to kiss her on the cheek goodnight. Don't forget to keep it casual when she starts screaming at you as towards why you're in her room.
• See if you have a common hobby. Keep in mind, most girls don't have the same passion for erotic Star Wars artwork that you do.
• Make friends with the same friends she has. Start by letting them out of your attic.
• Ever see Say Anything? Same priciple applies, except show up with a boombox and play something original, like Oompah music or dogs barking Jingle Bells.
• Offer to help her move. Ignore her when she insists you stop moving her stuff into your apartment.
• 14 simple words: "I've got your puppy and I'll let him go unharmed if you date me."
• Keep reminding her that you both already know all about each other, seeing as how you're cousins.
• Follow her to a karaoke bar and sing a suprise love song to her. May I suggest "The Bitch is Back" by Elton John or "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.
• Offer to give her a foot rub. When she points out that her boobs are, in fact, not her feet, explain that that's not the way YOU learned how to give a foot rub.
• Find out which dance club she goes to. Show up on the same night she does and impress her with your Tae Bo moves. Apologize profusely for breaking her nose.
• She's got a boyfriend?! Well, that's nothing a pair of nuncucks and a pit of rabid lemurs can't solve.
• Take her to dinner and a movie...and the hot dog stand at the porno theater does NOT count.
• There's no shame in gorwing old together with someone....on the other end of a high powered telescope.
• Send her a cute text message. Nothing woos the ladies like "I cnt w8 2 hump u".
• Confess that you want to make babies with her. You may have more luck explaining that you want to make them the old fashioned way and NOT with your mail order science kit.

Remember fellas, a restraining order is a clever way of saying "just try harder". Happy Valentine's Day!

01/30/08 - A list of monsters and what kills them:

• Vampires - Sunlight
• Werewolves - Silver Bullets
• The Mummy - Bronze Nunchucks
• Chupacabra - Harsh Language
• Nancy Grace - Rocket Propelled Grenades
• Frankenstein - Long Division
• Godzilla - Mothra
• Mothra - Undercooked Food
• King Kong - Italians with Hammers
• Freddy Kreuger - Trade Sanctions
• Jason Voorhes - Irony
• Michael Meyers - Marriage to Axe Murderers
• Hitler's Brain - Vinegar
• Mussolini's Kneecaps - The Cure CDs

01/24/08 - Ironically, a trail of Reeses Pieces will catch both E.T. and Drew Barrymore.

01/01/08 - Resolutions for our brand New Year:

• Work out at least twice a month.
• Win the "Super Bowl" of something...like cow poo tossing or flower arranging.
• Buy a copy of War and Peace that doesn't have all of the interior pages cut out so I can hide my emergency Peeps.
• Produce stage adaptation of Escape from New York.
• Clean tuxedo.
• Try to bring the Fu Manchu back.
• Write a self-help book about better living through destructive behaviors.
• Design transparent slacks.
• Send a strongly worded letter to Thomas Jefferson's ghost...he knows why.
• Get a job that doesn't require weekly innoculations.

12/31/07 -

Should old accquaintence, be forgot...

And never subscribe to Time...

Should old accquaintence, be forgot...

Annnd always smell like pine!

For smelling like pine, my friend...

Smells mighty, mighty fine...

Bill Paxton's character was Chet...

But he didn't smell like pine!

Happy New Year from the Hodgepodge Society!

12/23/07 - Over the river and through the woods! To Grandmother's house we go!

Becuase I guess "Grandmother" is some sort of mythical, woods-dwelling creature...like a troll or Hobbit or a Dutchman.

12/18/07 - Some people feel that Santa does not exist. There's a word for that sort of thinking...and it's "nincompoopery". I've assembled a flow chart to detail the evidence I've gathered so far proving that there is a Santa. Please click the pic to enlarge and become enlightened.

12/04/07 - If dog is man's best friend, then squirrel is clearly child's best friend. Now if it's a nuclear family, then the cat is man's good acquaintence and then racoon then gets promoted to dog. On the happenstance that it's a single mother household, a bear can equal dad, but only if there's female children. If it's male children then there is no dad, but on holidays we can pretend the humidifier is an uncle.

Where was I going with this? Oh! What's up with dogs that dress up? That's weird.

11/28/07 - Please excuse me for a moment while I make sure this web page pops up on any and all possible web searches made by foppish dandies:

• Snuff Tins
• Powdered Wigs
• Consumption
• Dying of Consumption
• Ribauldry
• Mole maintenance and care
• Belted shoes (Non-Pilgrim)
• Balls....and by "balls", I mean dances
• Frilly things
• Harpsichord
• Repulsion and Jealousy Brought About By Those of the Female Persuasion
• Balls
• Chamber Pots
• Chamber Music
• Chambers
• Entertaing Whilst Dealing with the Plague
• Local Constabularies
• Night Court

I don't know why that last one works...but, believe me, it does.

11/22/07 - Thanksgiving. A day to celebrate the stuffing of turkeys so that we may stuff our faces as we desperately try to retcon history and convince people that the Native Americans just simply moved to Canada. Today is a day to loosen your pants and ponder that which you are thankful for. Here is a brief and incomplete list of things I am, indeed, thankful for:

• The people who survive parade tramplings.
• The Hamkey. A delicious animal that I haven't spit in the face of God to make yet.
• Captain America's sidekick, Bucky.
• The works of Dr. Egon Spengler.
• The last half hour of Hard Boiled.
• My dear family, the Lyons Esqs. A family of Dutch spice merchants who dared to rebel against their Flemish captors to get the law degrees that they were, in no way, qualified to use.
• My screenplay for a Pac Man movie that is awesome.
• The Hodgepodge Society. Like the community center in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, the Hodgepodge Society has always been there for me to channel my youthful creativity into things that are more funny and less illegal.
• My wonderful lady friend. She manages to look past my insane trappings and fits of Stooge-fueled hysteria to see something I didn't even know was there. The beauty in her eyes is matched only by the beauty in her soul. She's also foxy. And NO I didn't get her by ordering her in a crate from Uzbekistan, Lord Robert! Jerk.
• Things that are scotch guarded.
• The cadre of ninja assassins I've sent for the head of Carlos Mencia. May their viscious strikes and ninja stars land faithful and true.
• Any episode of The Adventures of Brisco County Jr..

And there's so much more....but the call of Pumpkin Pie waits for no man. I must answer it. Happy Thanksgiving!

11/07/07 - I hate to be a guy who spreads rumors, but I know a guy who knows a guy who thinks he read somewhere that Mark Twain used to turn his enemies into Mint Julips, so that he could drink them and gain their powers of American witticism. Kind of really changes the meaning of Huckleberry Finn when you think about the fact that it was written by a guy who drank people...for their powers...I mean do we even really know what happened to Robert Louis Stevenson? Yeah. Think about it. I bet Mark Twain drank him and then wrote The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg. I totally bet.