Sir Joseph Lyons Esq.'s Daily Ponderances!

Welcome to Sir Joseph Lyons Esq.'s own little corner of the Hodgepodge Society's corner of the Interweb! Please visit here every day for some sort of musing or observation posted by the Hodgepodge Society's own, Sir Joseph Lyons Esq. Read at your own risk. The thoughts contained within could potentailly free your mind and melt your face in front of your nephews...in that order.

01/05/09 - My life is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure book....I checked out all of the available endings...turns out the "dying by drinking seawater" is actually the most positive one....dang...

01/04/09 - I think Dungeons and Dragons should be stopped since it desensitizes nerds from the very real threat that dragons pose to us and our businesses.

01/03/09 -

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01/02/09 - And now we enter the wonderful handful of weeks where I still write 2008 on everything and I have to hear about it from everyone....especially from the crybaby customers at the tombstone factory I temp at.

01/01/09 -

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12/31/08 - I'm going to resolve to come up with some funnier resolutions by next year.

12/30/08 - In order to prepare for New Year's Eve, make sure you've got a sweetheart ready to smooch when the ball drops. Don't have a sweetheart? Than just palm stirke someone you don't like in the throat. Both are extremely satisfying.

12/29/08 - I have to agree with that famous cat about Mondays when he said, "Mwrrrorrrrrrr!!!!!"

12/28/08 - Life would be cooler if I had a metal jaw...of course my chin would always be scraping across the ground, since it'll be so heavy, but it's cool...it's made out of metal.

12/27/08 - Diane Keaton has such a timeless appeal as an actress, I think we're all ignoring the fact that she's 247 years old.

12/26/08 - AAA batteries are the new AA batteries. D's still suck.

12/25/08 - I thought nothing would make me happier than waking up on Christmas morning and finding Santa had arrived...I was wrong...not only did he arrive, but he brought Spuds Mackenzie and the Oakland Raiders cheerleaders and a case of Coors Light...then it turned out I was just having one of my dreams that take place in 1986...

12/24/08 - Christmas Eve is a great night to sit back and reflect on all of the good things that happened to you this year....and to plot revenge....

12/23/08 - If my kitchen had more counter space, I'd have way more room to inadvertantly poison my entire "Let's get together and view Gremlins" party.

12/22/08 - Doing a favor for an ex is a lot like willingly sticking your face into a badger trap. You may think you'll be doing a favor for a badger in need, but they'll still disembowel you while your busy getting your face tore off in the trap.

12/21/08 - Shaking a present is a great way to ruin a surprise for yourself. It's also a great way to break all of the priceless burial urns that you asked for.

12/20/08 - The best part about doing a Secret Santa? The anticipation of not knowing who got you what gift. The worst part about doing a Secret Santa? Having to hear the screams and cries of loved ones, demanding to know who gave the Ant Farm to Aunt Gretchen...knwoing full well that Uncle Harold was murdered by ants in an accident that was easily preventable.

12/19/08 - Times are so tough right now, I'm in very real danger of having the bank foreclose on my jeans.

12/18/08 - I miss lawn darts in the same way I miss Tim Meadows on Saturday Night Live...which is to say a lot...

12/17/08 - My new favorite things to call people that kind of sound like insults, but don't actually mean anything:

H-Bag
Sir Guy
Sally Bell Peppers
Coloring Book
Fork Stabber
Lamp Shade
Ham Sandwhich
Hedge Fund
The Great Something
Bickets
Three-Bag

12/16/08 - What's the disease that the Cabbage Patch Kids have? I know it's not the Elephant Man disease...but it's close....right?

12/15/08 - You know you're losing grasp of your childlike wonder when you know exactly what all of the vacuum attachments are supposed to be used for.

12/14/08 - Sure, everyone is acting surprised, but we all know that there is a permanent seat at the Legion of Doom's table of evil for the standing governor of Illinois...it's between Solomon Grundy and Black Manta....

12/13/08 - I would be the kind of pin up model that you would paint on the side of jets that belong to people you hate.

12/12/08 - I've been trying to live my life like The Little Rascals, in that I've been putting lard in my hair in order to create an adorable callick....now if only I knew how they dealt with the constant seagull attacks that I've been experiencing...

12/11/08 - I write comedy the same way I watch any given episode of The 700 Club. In my underpants.

12/10/08 - The occasional free lunch at work is the only thing keeping me from complete and utter insanity...that and comic books...

12/09/08 - I would just once like to be the "chosen one" of something. I don't care if I'm the chosen one destined to convince the world that McGriddles sandwhiches are delicious and not poison, it'll be nice to feel important in a global sense.

12/08/08 - The method by which the ancient Egyptians got slaves to willingly do their back-breaking labor? Pyramid Schemes.

I promise this will be my only pun for the rest of 2008.

12/07/08 - How long will it take before rap music reaches "classical" status? I'd like to be alive and say to my grandkids, "Oh, we'd love to come watch you play in the Laserball match, but we've got tickets to go see the Boston Pops perform the Naughty By Nature."

12/06/08 - If Britney Spears "comes back" again, she could potentially end up back where she first showed up and rip a hole in the fabric of space and time...I would completely hate that.

12/05/08 - Going out Christmas shopping reminds me of the Raod Warrior because all I want to do is hit people in the head with a boomerang.

12/04/08 - Will having a fake passport be enough to trick Santa into bringing me presents this year? It used to belong to a nice person...

12/03/08 - I don't know what annoys me the most about Toys R Us. It's either the backwards "R", the fact that the name of their store promotes bad grammar, or the fact that they won't let me back in there because of all of those GI Joes I opened and melted.

12/02/08 - I figured out the best core-blasting workout to get those washboard abs that all of the girls seem to enjoy. And it only takes 7 easy steps...

Step 1 - Get filthy drunk.
Step 2 - Get a 150 pound barbell designed for shoulder presses.
Step 3 - Stand on a treadmill.
Step 4 - Turn the treadmill on to full power.
Step 5 - Sprint while doing shoulder presses.
Step 6 - After you shatter every bone in your torso, ask the surgeon to give you sexy abs.
Step 7 - Enjoy.

12/01/08 - Who wins in a fight between Mr. Clean and the Brawny Man? Probably Mr. Clean since he's half genie.

11/30/08 - Life would be better if Mystery Science Theater 3000 was still on the air...and if there was less war...that too...

11/29/08 - The only thing that's good about car trips is that it really gives you the chance to evaluate all of the questionable music you've put on your IPod.

11/28/08 - When you get to the point where you leagally become more turkey than man, that's when you give thanks that you have poison control on speed dial.

11/27/08 -

Ahhh, yes, Thanksgiving. The very word invokes images of families gathered around large tables giving thanks for the things that haven’t quite put them in prison yet. One can’t help but also think about Pilgrims and Native Americans joining in the spirit of togetherness, while they celebrate the slaughter of a helpless Turkey-American…before…you know…additional bloodshed and land in exchange for beads taking. Truly, this is what Thanksgiving is all about. And if this is what you think, then you would be so horribly wrong that I’d probably have to sit down for a little while to just be able to handle your abject stupidity. We here at the Hodgepodge Society, if nothing else, are constantly trying to uncover the truth about our world’s holidays. We’ve had our triumphs, like when we uncovered the original Arbor Day Tree, and we’ve had our horrifying brushes with grisly reality, like when we discovered that the origins of Flag Day pretty much revolved exclusively around firing endangered badgers out of cannons for both distance and accuracy. That’s right, wave your flag and don’t worry about why there aren’t any more Costa Rican Switchblade Badgers anymore.

Anyway, the origins of Thanksgiving are both complicated and fascinating. It can be traced back to the xenophobic days of feudal Japan. There, Hodgepodge Society member Ori Nakimura, a low ranking samurai and closeted Kabuki performer, discovered a an ancient and venomous strain of sentient cranberry sauce, possibly engineered by a dirty westerner in an attempt to infect ancient Japan with powdered wigs and missionary positions. Ori, thrilled at the possibility of acting in the Kabuki Theater with a form of cranberry sauce, named the poisonous and angry lifeform “Toshi” and attempted to book them a series of matinees for the amusement of the Emperor. It would be fair to mention at this point in the story, that Ori was a bit of an idiot, in fact, he only gained Hodgepodge Society membership because of his tremendous singing voice and his ability to help us translate the ancient Japanese tome of epic Samurai Warrior “Your Mamma Be So Fat” Jokes. During the first rehearsal of Ori’s own self penned Kabuki play “Neil Simon’s Lost in Okinawa”, Toshi, the sentient and quite venomous cranberry sauce, devoured Ori, along with everyone else in his prefecture, and then hopped a trade ship on it’s way to the New World.

When Toshi arrived on the North American continent, he ruled most of what would become Canada for several hundred years. Many a moose and the few remaining primordial lumberjacks trembled before the might of Toshi as he devoured all that stood in his path all while making unreasonable proclamations like the eradication of any and all insects that began with the letter “F” and the requirement for all lifeforms to wear slacks in his presence. His was a harsh rule. Several governing bodies throught the globe outlawed the use of cranberries and the cranberry itself was known, from that point on, as the “Bastard Fruit”. Something had to be done to stop Toshi and his oppressive rule by eating and slacks. It was a Hodgepodge Society member who discovered him and it would be a Hodgepodge Society member who would have to put a stop to him.

Her name was Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay, a Navaho princess known for her great beauty and even greater skill in the art of humor. She was inducted into the Hodgepodge Society after she united 17 Native American tribes through laughter during her roast of her father, Suavely Trades Land For Beads. Upon hearing the plight of the people in Canada, under the gooey and vicious rule of Toshi, Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay knew something had to be done. One day, she asked for an audience with Toshi, under the guise of being able to suggest to him how to finally get rid of all of the damn primordial lumberjacks. Armed with only her wit and a crude Native American flamethrower (a gassy woodchuck affixed to the end of a torch), Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay approached the smelly and unappetizing Toshi. “So tell me,” the cranberry monstrosity belched, “what is to be done about these accursed lumberjacks?!” “Well”, Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay began to explain, “you see, they can’t live without flannel and…NOW!” For you see, “Now” is Navaho for “do that thing we talked about earlier right this very moment” and upon hearing this signal, a team of angry Kabuki Samurai rained down upon Toshi from the trees and sliced him into several hundred thousand, ridged loafs with their ancient Swords of Despair and Stabbing.

It was a good thing Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay had contacted the Kabuki Samurai a few weeks earlier through a smoke signal-giant gong communiqué and they were eager for the chance to avenge the fallen Hodgepodge Society member, Ori. The battle was long and messy, but in the end Toshi was vanquished to the land of dead sentient food, and Canada went back to being peacefully free until the Mole People took over in 1964. Now all that was left was to figure out what to do with the basically tolerable loafs of Toshi. Good thing Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay had an idea. Those pushy Christians that had just sailed over from Europe were looking for an excuse to get rid of all of the turkeys they had slaughtered, since it was then viewed as the least holy of the bird world, and they figured the Native Americans would be more than happy to do so. So the Christians showed up with their dirty turkeys and the Native Americans showed up with their hunks of a deceased cranberry overlord. Bread was broken stories were shared….and it all pretty much went downhill from there.

So there you have it, the origins of Thanksgiving. Just a big ol’ cover-up for an excuse to choke down cranberry sauce every year. If we all do our part and have at least 1 slice of the damn stuff, then we’ll help make sure that a venomous sentient cranberry monster never takes over Canada ever again. So, please pass some more of that gravy, and Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

11/26/08 - I've been doing my pre-Thanksgiving warm-up exercies in order to prepare myself for the feasting that lies ahead of me. It mostly involves eating a lot of bread and then praying for death because of all of the bread I ate. A lot of doctor's hate my ideas.

11/25/08 - If there was an option to get salsa through your kitchen faucet, I would have been dead from Fiesta Poisoning a long time ago.

11/24/08 - People at work would respect me a lot more if I was Jack Bauer...which is to say, I'd be really good at breaking/shooting/damaging-beyond-recognitioning knee caps...

11/23/08 - I've decided that now the only thing missing from my life is one of those old timey bikes with the big wheel in the front.

11/22/08 - Your lucky this influx of bubble gum is preventing the kicking of your ass...

11/21/08 - I just can't help but feel that I'd be able to get farther ahead in life if I just had more Navy Seal training...or any Navy Seal training for that matter...

11/20/08 - You know what they always say! You won't get any Monkey Shines if you don't stock up on your Gibbon Grease...

Nobody really says that but me...

11/19/08 - I'm still not entirely convinced that Paul Simon is not just some sort of flesh-colored Muppet...

11/18/08 - The only sports injury more embarrassing than Tennis Elbow? Cricket Ankles.

11/17/08 - The only thing keeping me from the sweet, sweet Hobo life is the ability to grow a proper beard.

11/16/08 - You know I think there's really only 1 very important lesson we can all gleam from the Godfather...the proper way to be the living bejeezus out of someone with a trash can lid.

11/15/08 - Today...I turn 30. At first it was terrifying....then I was ok with it....then it went back to terrifying....then I got hungry....then I cursed the heavens for aging me....then I took a nap....I'm not sure how to feel now. I think I'm just going to fill out the AARP application...but I'm not going to mail it in yet.

11/14/08 - If I won the lotto, life would be a lot easier...life would also be a lot more gold-plated....

11/13/08 - I'm like James Bond in that I'm constantly drinking and I've got a tuxedo under my wetsuit.

11/12/08 - I've decided that I won't let myself be hired to entertain at birthday parties anymore. The pay stinks, 5 year olds are violent by nature, and most of my party jokes are just wry witticisms about Paul Verhoven movies that are pretty much lost on toddlers.

11/11/08 - Make sure you hug a veteran or a soldier today...unless they're on duty...then maybe wait until later...

11/10/08 - Mondays wouldn't suck as much if they were less about going to work and more about jet skis...unless you were a jet ski repairman...then Mondays would suck less if people were riding less jet skis and you could spend more time writing your fantasy novels starring Space Elves...

11/09/08 - Salads would be way more awesome if we could somehow involve burritos more...

11/08/08 - What if God was one of us? Well, that means I should probably stop pantsing every random stranger I see who's not wearing a belt for starters...

11/07/08 - Now that CNN has holograms of people, we are seriously like THIS close to being able to watch movies where you can actually walk up to Steven Segal and punch him in his holographic face. Humanity can't go much farther beyond that. It's too perfect.

11/06/08 - My phaser is set to thrill.

11/05/08 - If I had to pick an animal for a political party, it would definately be some sort of large flightless bird, like an ostritch. Because people would be all like, "Psssh! Look at that dumb bird!", and then I'd kick them in the genitals with my unusually strong legs.

11/04/08 -

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11/03/08 - Tomorrow is Election Day. Please don't forget to get out there and VOTE! Voting is the only thing that separates us from the godless Martians and their Melting Rays.

11/02/08 - Oh sure, I should go outside more, but if I don't play video games, how the hell am I going to be ready for an alien invasion?! Huh?! That's what I thought....

11/01/08 - All Saints Day is pretty much like whenever you had mandatory athletic events in school. There's the cool kids who are going to get trophies, but, at the very least, everyone is going to get a "Participant" ribbon. It's ok, Saint Constance. At least you tried....it's just Saint Christopher is a lot faster than you...but here's a ribbon....since you are still pretty much a saint...

10/31/08 - The best thing about Halloween? Getting jacked out of my mind on free candy and getting to dress up as The Fall Guy. The worst thing about Halloween? Having to remind everyone what The Fall Guy was.

10/30/08 -

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10/29/08 - Nobody talks about the tragic loss of the 8th dwarf, Cave Inny....it was pretty much unavoidable....

10/28/08 - What's the statute of limitations on being attracted to Brooke Shields? She's always been good looking and she's old now...but..I just always feel like I'm going to end up on a list after watching The Blue Lagoon.

10/27/08 -

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10/26/08 - I'll only do a nude scene if it's charater appropriate, it's filmed tastefully, and it also involves me single handedly piloting a harrier jet.

10/25/08 - Have any of the teenagers about to be murdered by Jason Voorhes ever thought about trying to penalize him for icing? It might work...

10/24/08 -

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10/23/08 - Maybe a busy signal was not the best idea for my ringback tone.

10/22/08 - Is it just me or does "Joe the Plumber" look an awful lot like that guy from The Hills Have Eyes...wow...who knew that the "Real Pro-American America" was full of mutant cannibals.....color me shocked...

10/21/08 - I was under the impression that all of the actors from the Brady Bunch were out of "all" to tell.

10/20/08 - If I had a hang glider, I'd be trapped on a cell phone tower right about now.

10/19/08 - It's been proven that Marilyn Manson was, in fact, not the guy who played Paul on the Wonder Years, but now I'm starting to have serious doubts about whether or not I was Kevin Arnold....

10/18/08 - Kung Fu styles and the corresponding style that they beat:

Tiger Style beats Preying Mantis Style....which doesn't beat anything...it's for losers
Monkey Style beats Tiger Style
Snake Style cripples Monkey Style
Dragon Style ruins Snake Style
Dragon Style has a werid time dealing with Hysterical Pregnant Woman Style
Hysterical Pregnant Woman Style is crushed by the The Five Fisted Norweigan Fisherman Style
The Five Fisted Norweigan Fisherman Style is useless against Tuberculosis Fu
Tuberculosis Fu is exceptionally weak against the Rancid Tuna Loaf of Kicking School of Martial Arts
Rancid Tuna Loaf of Kicking School of Martial Arts can't hold a candle to...well...Crotch Slapping
Crotch Slapping has inherent flaws going up against Tae Bo
Tae Bo is destryoed by the Ancient Fist of the Tax Code Law
The Ancient Fist of the Tax Code Law can't match the ferocity of the tenants of the Cornered Science Club Dork Style
Cornered Science Club Dork Style can only only be met blow for blow by the Undying Shriek of Oscar Wilde
And finally, nothing, and I mean nothing, can be stopped by the pure martial terror that will rain down on your opponent when you whip out the Crouching Paintball Gun, Idling Getaway Car Style.

10/17/08 -

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10/16/08 - A list of the only things I feel are appropriate to hunt from a helicopter:

Zombies
Geurillas (not the monkey, the machine gun kind)
Werewolves
Primordial Lumberjacks
Gamera
Vans with the words "Fox News" printed on the side.
Clowns
Hyper-intelligent Meerkats
Burning Man participants
Sleestaks
The dancers from the Thriller video

You know what, I better just make a newsletter or a pamphlet about this. There's a lot to list.

10/15/08 - Holy socks! I just realized that I missed my 365th Ponderance anniversary spectacular. A whole year just came a went and I totally forgot to acknowledge it. What do you get someone when you forget about an anniversary and that someone just so happens to be yourself?

Probably a samurai sword with their portrait etched on the blade....meaning my portrait....I would totally forgive myself if I got that!

10/14/08 -

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10/13/08 - Why am I not a "man of science" because I keep trying to find better ways to burn robots? We're going to have to fight them somehow.

10/12/08 - The best part about sleeping in? Not having to worry about facing the trials and tribulations that the world is waiting to throw at your face for an extra hour or two. The worst part? Realizing it was your turn to pick up little Billy from soccer practice 3 days ago.

10/11/08 -

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10/10/08 - I wouldn't make a very good president. All of my healthcare proposals would just revolve around buying jet packs and patrolling the skies so we can shoot pathogens out of the air with plasma rifles....it's a flawed plan.

10/09/08 - If I ever got a job on Wall Street, I have to remember that no matter what, I have to look 10 times more depressed/distraught/suicidal than the guys that are next to me. That way, it'll always be MY picture they show on CNN when the economy goes in the crapper. You can't buy that kind of exposure.

10/08/08 -

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10/07/08 - The unicycle. Engineering's cruelest mistake.

10/06/08 - Outlet stores are a lot like crossing the Amazon. It can be sweaty. It's overwhelming if you've never been there before. And if you make one wrong move, a bunch of ladies will rip all of the flesh off of your bones in about 27 seconds.

10/05/08 -

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10/04/08 - With all of this economic kablammo going on, I think we all need to pause and think about who this is going to hit the hardest....bank robbers.

10/03/08 - I had no idea how big of a deal it was to be a "Maverick". I'm just flabberghasted. I've been wasting my time! I haven't decided what kind of Maverick I should be yet....so I'm just going to dress up like a cowboy who plays in poker tounraments....but I'll get there in a F-16...and I'll constantly be haunted by the death of Goose...who looks like Jodie Foster...

10/02/08 -

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10/01/08 - Whenever you're celebrating the birthday of a loved one, it doesn't matter how much you sepnt on presents or what kind of cake you got or even if you remembered to buy a card...the important thing to remember is that they're going to be pretty damned upset if they find out you're just a cardboard cutout and you're actually in Columbia buying counterfiet X-Boxes (El X-Boxios....they're just re-purposed Atari Jaguars...with green "X"s painted all over them). Now there's a hurt that lasts a long time.

09/30/08 - You know whenever I look up and I start to notice that the seasons are changing and the leaves are changing color and dropping gracefully down ont my shoulders, I'm reminded of one powerful thing...those &@%#ing teenagers have stolen my roof again.

09/29/08 -

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09/28/08 - The number 1 reason why Australia hasn't overthrown the world yet? Boomerang return injuries and concussions. Number 2? They're way too busy dealing with all of the hyper-evolved kangaroos. They're dangerous. Like, if monkeys-ever-learned-how-to-fire-shotguns dangerous.

09/27/08 - I think debates would be a lot more interesting if the candidates were allowed to Phillipino stick-fight instead of arguing with each other....of course, then we'd only be able to vote for the one person that's still alive...you're right, it's probably a flawed idea.

09/26/08 -

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09/25/08 - Writing Ponderances is a lot like being on the Family Feud. I survey a hundred people and only ponder the top ten suggestions. My Great Aunt Hortence is always behind me screaming ideas in my ear (she's never really been the same since "the flood"). And I'm pretty sure that's Richard Dawson touching me inappropriately right now.

09/24/08 - Bedtimes are for little baby grade schoolers and for people who care about performing adequately at their jobs and at life. Bunch of suckers. I ain't got no time for sleep. There's comedy to write and video games to play while you ignore the writing thing....{yawn}...yep...I am the greatest man who ever lived...no sleep for ol' Sir Joseph...the super genisdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Ow. There's drool all over my keyboard and it's 3 days after tomorrow.

I need coffee.

09/23/08 -

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09/22/08 - Photoshop is really a wonderful tool for photographers, artists and designers....I a none of those things...I use it primarily to make it look like I live on the sun with Jessica Alpaca....which is Jessica Alba's head on the body of an alpaca...I'm not well...

09/21/08 - Can someone please explain to me how professional wrestling got less cool after people stopped using the one-shoulder-strap-unitard uniform, a la Andre' the Giant? I mean come on! That's clothing usualy reserved for choreographers and choreographers' assistants!

09/20/08 -

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09/19/08 - So it turns out that a "cobbler" is actually a person that fixes shoes...and not some sort of mythical creature like a Gnome or Freddy Kreuger or a Cate Blanchett.

09/18/08 - If I end up being one of those artists that finally gets famous and respected for their works after they are dead, I'm going to be honored and proud and extremely pissed at you people for not jumping on the band wagon a lot sooner so I could have enjoyed some of that sweet spotlight before I finally end up getting crushed by a hovercraft.

09/17/08 -

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09/16/08 -

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09/15/08 - Video may have killed the radio star, but what killed the video star, you ask? Mountain lions.

09/14/08 - If anyone from MTV or VH1 approaches you about appearing in a reality show, punch them directly in the face and then run in the other direction...they have every intention of giving you syphillis.

09/13/08 -

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09/12/08 - Upcoming song list for my Tron musical:

I'm Rollin' in the Quarters
Don't De-Rez My Heart
Everyone's Throwin' These Freakin' Glowin' Frisbees!
You Can Have My Extra Life
Get a Clu, Tron!
Yori's Lament
I'm My Own Master Control Program
To the I/O Tower!
I'll be Your User, If You'll Be My Program
Light Cycles A'Poppin'!
Let's CTRL-ALT-DEL Sark!
Waitaminute! Everyone at ENCOM Looked Like Those Crazy Computer People!
Tron it Up!

It's gonna be huge.

09/11/08 - If I was ever going to ask the Wizard of OZ for something, it would be for a flame thrower, to fill the gap in my soul that needs to be filled by a flame thrower....and then when that sucker makes with the goods, I'll make him give me a thousand other wishes or else I'll flame thrower him good!!!!

09/10/08 -

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09/09/08 - Why did we need Japanese game shows to remind us that's it's hilarious to watch people humiliate themselves for money?

09/08/08 - If that Large Hadron Collider ends up creating a balck hole that destroys us all, we're going to have to deal with a lot of smug internet dorks that told us so...well, at least for the 3 seconds before the universe collapses in on itself....but it's going to be an annoying 3 seconds.

09/07/08 -

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09/06/08 - Waking up after sleeping outside in a sleeping bag is a lot like a human emerging out of a coocoon. Except instead of turning into a graceful butterfly, we're exactly the same as we were the day before but now we're sore, smelly and we're still in yesterday's clothes.

09/05/08 - Camping is a great way to get in touch with the more primal instincts of humanity. It's also a great way to get attacked by a bear.

09/04/08 -

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09/03/08 - If a child says they have monsters under their bed, they're probably just a little sissy or at least a filthy liar. Now, if they come to you in the middle of the night and say they have a Monster under their bed, you best get your crossbow and set their mattress on fire. That's serious stuff. That Aileen Wuornos be crazy.

09/02/08 - The Republican National Convention is a lot like Lollapalooza....except the unemployed college students that are there are just getting pepper sprayed as opposed to stoned.

09/01/08 - Labor Day is here! Time to celebrate our constant, life-shortening, soul-crushing work by taking a day off so we can paint the house and re-tar the roof and seal the driveway and finish the basement and bathe the children and re-till the soil and relax. Yeah, this wil definately refresh me for all of the days before Thanksgiving.

08/31/08 - I'm constantly eating garlic bread at restaurants because, 9 times out of 10, it's free...that and vampires are freakin' everywhere.

08/30/08 - I hope the sleeveless look comes back, because I'm constantly getting my sleeves ripped off in agricultural threshers...I drink a lot on farms that aren't mine...

08/29/08 - Starting a new job is a lot like your first day at a new school. There's constant pressure to be popular, if you don't excel then you'll be shunned by the teachers, and everyone calls you the "poopy kid" because you pooped your pants because the man didn't show you where the bathrooms was.

08/28/08 - I'm not convinced that Christian Slater realizes he's back on TV again. Poor fellow.

08/27/08 - Mallrats carry the Abercrombie plague.

08/26/08 - Things that should approach me in the morning? Anything bearing free coffee. Things that shouldn't approach me in the morning? Things that don't mind having paperweights thrown at their head or genitals.

08/25/08 - Changing to a shorter commute to work is like adding years on to your life. Years that can be spent playing Q-Bert.

08/24/08 - Who would my running mate be if I was going to be President? Panthro from the Thundercats. He's got his own nunchucks. He can fix the Thundertank. And his plans to raise the fading US dollar are truly second to none.

08/23/08 - I've gone wireless, in that I threw out all of my hangers.

08/22/08 - So it turns out a Social Worker is not someone who takes you out to bars and helps you meet people. They're something...FAR more depressing.

08/21/08 - Gysers. Earth's peehole.

08/20/08 - Office politics only end up causing office coups. Then we've got office czars...and then we've got problems.

08/19/08 - The best part about being a ship's captain? Getting to marry people left and right, even if they don't want to. The worst part about being a ship's captain? Even though you're married to the sea, it's extremely hard to get it on with the sea.

08/18/08 - When celebrating your dog's birthday, it doesn't matter whether or not you purchased Fudgie the Whale or a Cookie Puss cake, all that matters is how much lunch meat you put on it.

08/17/08 - When we finally find out that Michael Phelps is nothing but a school of carp in a skin suit, you're all gonna owe me a LOT of money.

08/16/08 - I didn't realize picking out a pair of eyeglasses was going to be so hard. I thought it would be based on impulse and whimsy, like applying for a loan or getting a tattoo. You know. Something you don't really think about, you just do it.

08/15/08 - If Al Roker and Willard Scott ever got in a fight, it would be like Godzilla fighting Mothra...in that they would probably end up destryoing St. Louis in the process.

08/14/08 - I've Pledge at all sorts of Fraternities...in that I dust them...I temp as a maid....I'm not happy about it.

08/13/08 - Doctors are just vets for people. At least that's what my doctor tells me every time he's de-worming me.

08/12/08 - I always carry a spider with me at all times, just in case I end up on the Planet of the Amazon Cannibals. Regular lady or Amazon Cannibal, they're all crippled in the face of spiders.

08/11/08 - The fact that I don't appear to myself every day proves 2 things. Firstly, they'll never invent time travel. Secondly, in the event they invent time travel, I'll be dead before it happens. Both facts are upsetting.

08/10/08 - You know what kind of kids shouldn't have sandboxes? Kids who find sand delicious.

08/09/08 - Man oh man. I sure hope the Russian and Georgian athletes aren't in the same dorm in Beijing right now.

08/08/08 - I bet you that family in the Olive Garden commercial is probably pretty miserable when they're at home.

08/07/08 - What more do I have to look forward too now, since they've just re-made Death Race?

08/06/08 - Video games have lied to me in that I have yet to bear witness to one princess kidnapping in my lifetime.

08/05/08 - I am against offshore drilling, because now we're practically facillitating a Sleestack invasion....or at least Mole People...

08/04/08 - You know what, Internet?! I've dealt with your clever abbreviations pretty well thus far, so I was wondering if you could do me a solid. Instead of saying "NSFW", let's just say NOT SAFE FOR WORK, ok?! I'm tired of all of this...unpleasantness...

08/03/08 - If you're a member of an international crime organization and someone introduces themself by saying their last name and then their first name and then their last name, that person is a secret agent and is about to kill you. Kick them in the shin and run in the opposite direction fast.

08/02/08 - So, it turns out that writing the most acclaimed graphic novel of all time requires you to both be able to write AND draw....and have an idea that someone else didn't think of first....stupid Alan Moore...maybe I just need to grow an upsetting beard...hmmmmm....

08/01/08 - People don't race around the world to solve disputes enough anymore.

07/31/08 - If vengeance had a face, I'm pretty sure it would be Tommy Lee Jones' face.

07/30/08 - If anyone ever comes up to you and syas, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya...", just start running. Sure, he may just be friendly...but it's not a risk you want to take.

07/29/08 - I can't help but think I would feel better if I could just get this steel drum music out of my head.

07/28/08 - I'm as terrified of artificial intelligence as much as the next guy, but, you have to admit, when our robot rulers finally conquer us all, the public transportation is going to be impeccable...provided we're allowed to use it of course.

07/27/08 - My best made up cocktails based on video games:

The Donkey Kong - Banana Liqueur and Listerine
The Metroid - Ethanol and mashed up bits of jelly fish
The Mega Man - Ultra weight gain powder and grain alcohol (do not drink near open flams or children)
The Luigi - Ragu', chianti, and broken dreams
The Pac Man - Melted Yellow Peeps and random prescription pills you steal from grandma
The Grand Theft Auto - Siphoned gasoline and...well, that's pretty much it....it's a bit of a last resort.

07/26/08 - Since it has now dawned on me that credit cards are not magical free money that you are able to use once you finally get your citizenship back...does anyone know the return policy on a hovercraft that's currently on fire?

07/25/08 - Who died and made Prince Shagandoo Matumba king?

Oh yeah...King Weedoo Matumba did. My bad.

07/24/08 - Why don't they ever post Bikini Contest Judge Positions Monster.com? I guess I'll never use my degree!!

07/23/08 - Being a supervisor is a lot like being a kindergarten teacher. It's long hours. It's hard work. And it's only rewarding when someone under you manages to make it through the day without pooping themselves.

07/22/08 - My demo reel is not going to get me some solid commercial work until I remove all of those clips of me on Cops.

07/21/08 - Batman's secret identity? Billionaire Bruce Wayne. Batman's secret shame? His never ending battle with cowl rash.

07/20/08 - Is there any paperwork involved if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopt me? Or is it something that they can just do? I'm just not sure how worried I should be.

07/19/08 - The best treatment for an upset stomach? Not eating that expired ranch dressing in the first place.

07/18/08 - There's nothing more terrifying than the ingredients that are found in Pepper Pot soup.

07/17/08 - I can always tell when I need a haircut because I start yelling at the Hippie in the mirror.

07/16/08 - If 30 is the new 20, then 20 is the new 10, which would make 15 the new 5...so, it was completely understandable that I wore those Mr. Belvedere Underoos in High School...right?

07/15/08 - I'm fairly positive that life does not have a "Reset" button. I'd like to find out if pulling the cartridge out and blowing into it will help though. That always seemed to help with Ikari Warriors.

07/14/08 - The only thing separating Herman Munster from Abraham Lincln was neck bolts...neck bolts and gravitas.

07/13/08 - We've all seen the Pope use the Pope Mobile, but I'm really itching to see him finally use his Pope Shark Repellent.

07/12/08 - Getting loaded on shots at a bar is a lot like deciding to rent a Yahoo Serious movie. It seems like it may be a fun idea at first...but then you wake up the next day unfulfilled, more than likely with a tattoo, and praying for death.

07/11/08 - People would be happier if we had another Berlin Wall to tear down.

07/10/08 - The burrito. A cournucopia of ingredients your colon will hate you for.

07/09/08 - I was horrified to learn that my Hybrid vehicle was not half car/half Griffin. What gives?

07/08/08 - Oh boy! There's a new X-Files movie coming! I'm sure the film will be cool and will pose me with all sorts of new questions like, "Who is that guy?" and "I can't remember if I'm supposed to know what they are talking about?"

07/07/08 - Most hilarious sounding name of a show on HBO: Deadwood.

07/06/08 - I need to start picking up drug habits or some sort of self-destructive behavior if I'm ever going to get Gary Oldman to star as me in a movie.

07/05/08 - Most hilarious thing I heard during recent picnic festivities: "Quit playing with my shuttlecock!"

07/04/08 - The Fourth of July always reminds me of 3 things. Sweet, delicious freedom. Barbequin' everything in sight. And the Omega Sparkler...a sparkler of my own design that, when lit, will burn with the fury of a thousand suns.

07/03/08 - When visiting New York, be wary. The angrier Kelly Ripa gets, the stronger Kelly Ripa gets.

07/02/08 - An ex-wife is a lot like a tornado. The only thing it knows is how to make you miserable....and it can hurl you and a bathtub 4 miles away from your house.

07/01/08 - I am EXACTLY like Jimi Hendrix...in that I use a left handed replica lightsaber, even though I am clearly right handed.

06/30/08 - The only thing I hate more than awkward silences is heart disease.

06/29/08 - I wish Willard Scott would stop hauting me in my dreams. I also REALLY wish he'd stop haunting me while I'm trying to eat breakfast!

06/28/08 - When helping a friend move, always remember, "accidentally" shattering a couple of vertebrae just means extra free beer and pizza for you...and eventually a chair with wheels. WHEELS!

06/27/08 - Furries are just misunderstood folks. Weird, creepy, loser misunderstood freaks. Me and my Dungeons and Dragons club almost feel sorry for them.

06/26/08 - You know what makes movies more boring? Sappy, tacked-on love stories. You know what makes movies less boring? Crossbows.

06/25/08 - Why do promotions suck so hard?

06/24/08 - Why can't my day at the spa ever involve Zaxxon tournaments with Geisha girls? THAT would relax me.

06/23/08 - There's nothing more soothing then curling up with a loved one during a summer thunderstorm...of course I just assume all storms are the beginning of some sort of world ending Ragnorok, so I spend most storms inside my God-proof panic room...but if it turns out Shiva is coming to cull us all, I'm screwed.

06/22/08 - Barbarella is the reason why our parents did drugs.

06/21/08 - Nobody does the Triple Lindy in Olympic diving anymore.

06/20/08 - I rage against the machine, but I'm only civily disobedient to the trees.

06/19/08 - I'm not sure why i thought it was a good idea to take Dick Van Dyke to the Museum of Ottomans and Floor Based Broken Glass. He was just so excited at the time...until....tragedy struck.

06/18/08 - Waitwaitwaitwait! Hamburger Helper ISN'T a well respected tutor program for young, up and coming bovines?! Then what the hell did I send Professor MooMoo to?!

Oh no.

06/17/08 - If I was Keifer Sutherland, I'd be awesome right now...and potentially drunk too.

06/16/08 - The US Open. Where even the filthiest of losers is still way richer than I am.

06/15/08 - Ahhhh, yes. Father's Day. They day where we celebrate the man who was half responsible for your genetic makeup. The fella who was always willing to play cath with you, take you fishing, or to nervously explain where babies come from. Dad is the one man who will always be there for you with a handshake, a congratulatory pat on the back, or very desperately needed bail money. So, Happy Father's Day father's of the land. Spend the day relaxing in your collective easy chairs trying to forget how much it cost to put us all through college.

06/14/08 - Do you thinks manatees know that they look like that?

06/13/08 - Thank God it's Friday. Yes. PRAISE THE WEEKEND GOD, CTHULDGUGUBORN! MAY MY BLOOD SACRIFICES PLEASE HIM!!!!!

06/12/08 - Paul Rudd is everywhere. Seriously. He parked my Alero for me yesterday at the food co-op....and they don't even do valet!

06/11/08 - Oh sure, you're laughing now, but can you honestly proove that I wasn't at one point a jazz legend? Didn't think so.

06/10/08 - The gas crisis is making me invest all of my hard earned, weak dollars in Flubber research.

06/09/08 - The greatest thing about having a leaky ceiling? Finally getting a take a shower in your living room...you can also name all of your awesome new mold!

06/08/08 - If I was a rock star on thing is for sure, I would of had to learn some sort of instrument.

06/07/08 - Children are our future. Old folks are our past. You're the present, but, baby, I'm the present perfect.

Please stop hitting me with that pepper spray! It's doing what it was designed to do and that's bad for me!

06/06/08 - My life was a lot like Married With Children in that I saw David Faustino wherever I went...thanks to a horrifying brain disorder.

06/05/08 - The next step in human evolution? People with wheels.

06/04/08 - Sure, we all miss Sid Viscious as a spirit of rock and roll anarchy and rebellion, but let's be honest with ourselves. Round about now, he'd be in a reality show on VH1 locked in some sort of 3-legged race eternally lashed to Melissa Rivers...and I just don't want that.

06/03/08 - Comedy is a harsh mistress...Madame Smackinyurjunk is also a harsh mistress.

06/02/08 - Cousin Oliver was the smallpox of the Brady Bunch...in that he was delivered to producers in a tainted blanket.

06/01/08 - I feel constipated merely pondering the notion of a Sex and the City movie. That's how much discomfort it gives me.

05/31/08 - Fax machines are about to go the way of the dinosaur...in that I just cloned one and it almost killed Sam Neill.

05/30/08 - Some people barbeque with charcoal. Others do it with propane. Me? Just gimme a fishing rod and a flame thrower and we'll have ourselves a picnic...also bring burn ointment.

05/29/08 - The best 80's cartoon group of villians? Cobra. The worst? Gargamel's Cavalcade of Shemales.

05/28/08 - As we enter the delights of the wedding season, I offer to you the top 17 ways to propose to your significant other from my top selling field guide, 101 Ways To Propose to Your Significant Other!

"How's about you and me earn ourselves a tax break?"
Rent out a movie theater. Propose to them at the end of a private screening of your favorite romantic movie. May I suggest "Debbie Does Monte Carlo" or "The Hills Have Thighs".
"Oh Baby. Be the Nancy Spungen to my Sid Vicious. Be the Cybil Shepherd to my Travis Bickle. Be the Devine Brown to my Hugh Grant."
Paint "Marry Me!" on the side of their house while they're at work.
"You're drunk and I'm available....so...you know....let's buzz by the court house."
Wisk them away to an exotic location like Pakistan or Syria.
"Our love is so strong, it makes Romeo and Juliet look like a bunch diseased sex offenders."
Propose at a sporting event. The World Series or the Super Bowl is all well and good, but nothing says "I love you" like Wrestlemania XXXVIII, Monsters of Monster Trucks, or any given WPGA event.
"Let's proclaim our love to the world, my darling....as soon as it's legal in this state."
Nothing says passion like eloping in Vegas. Assure your fiance' that even though your first 6 Vegas weddings didn't work out you feel 85% certain that this one will.
"I guess it's time we settled for each other."
Always be sure you get their parent's permission first. Showing your fiance' a polaroid of their father giving you the finger is permission enough in my book.
"You are the hobo sleeping in the dumpster of my heart."
Instead of buying a ring, get them a precious family heirloom that means more to you than the whole world, like Unlce Leroy's prosthetic leg or joint custody of Louis, the cousin that has to stay in the attic for "his own good".
"How would like to own half of my comic book collection?"
Write them a love poem. Remember, there aren't a whole lot of words that rhyme with "consummate" properly in iambic pentameter..
"If we don't get married then I'm going to have to ship you back to Russia."

05/27/08 - Let it be known that I have every intention of winning the Stanley Cup one day...just because it's the most functional of the pro sporting trophies. I am going to put so much Fanta in there it's gonna make your head spin!

05/26/08 - I'll be enjoying the day off. I'll be enjoying the sun. I'll be enjoying a sale or two. But I won't stop remembering him.

Family man. War hero. Funniest guy I knew. Without him there would be no Hodgepodge Society. Thanks for teaching me how to find humor in everything, Pop.

05/25/08 - One more lousy movie and Eva Longoria will take her rightful place as this generation's Charo.

05/24/08 - Weddings, as it turns out, are a wonderful time to realize how the love that two people share can form an eternal bond that is magical and wonderful. It also turns out that it's the best time to find out how much alcohol you can abosrb before procaliming to the world and to your grandma how unnecessary you feel pants are.

05/23/08 - Who the hell do dolphins think they are?

05/22/08 - The best kind of cheese? Mozzarella. The worst kind? The stuff that's growing behind my refridgerator thanks to that yougart container I can't reach. I mean, it's good on roast duck, but on the whole, it's pretty lousy.

05/21/08 - I like to eat food with chopsticks for the same reasons people like to smoke cigarettes. We look cool while we do it and we end up losing a lot of weight thanks to it.

05/20/08 - I hope the government doesn't find out about my secret polygamy sect....granted there's no wives or children to take away...but I'm still concerned.

05/19/08 - I really do long for the days where running away and joining the circus was a valid life choice.

05/18/08 - If men could get pregnant, I'm pretty sure the birthing process would turn into a competetion for distance and accuracy.

05/17/08 - The twist at the end of the biopic of my life that will one day undoubtedly be filmed by M. Knight Shylamanamanadon? It'll actually turn out to be a movie about Julia Louis Dreyfus.

05/16/08 - Animal Planet refuses to buy the pilot for my TV show, The Snow Leopard Whisperer, just because a couple of people got killed and hurt.Well, maybe if they had listened to my sage advice, they would have developed a better relationship with the snow leopard I left in their car without them knowing.

05/15/08 - Do you know what this world needs in the wake of tragedies, both natural and man-made? Another video of a squirell water skiiing. I know I'd feel better.

05/14/08 - The only thing gardening does is make the plants healthier for their eventual uprising against us.

05/13/08 - If I ever get whisked away to Narnia, the first thing I'm doing is getting me some of them goat legs.

05/12/08 - The closer we get to bikini season, the closer I get to trench coat and telescope season.

05/11/08 - Ahhhh, Mother's Day. The day we all get together and celebrate the woman that gave us life. The lady who picks up after us and reminds us that we shouldn't leave the house without clean underwear. The gal who takes you to archery practice and who tells that your short novels about time travelling kung-fu robots that solve mysteries are not self indulgent at all...when they actually are. The lady who's always there with a smile, a cookie, and some desparately needed bail money. I don't know what I'd do without her. Happy Mother's Day, Mumsy!

05/10/08 - I told my pal Evan I would have a ponderance in his honor, so here we go. You know you're having a good time when you're spending it with friends and you realize that you've drank enough beer that using conventional fluid measurements no longer apply. Nothing says "I had a good time and I apologize for the horrible things I did to your room" than 2 pounds of beer.

05/09/08 - If you're looking for a last minute Mother's Day present, you can never go wrong with a doodle from your notebook of Godzilla destroying Toronto...provided she has enough room on her fridge from the 30 previous Mother's Day gifts you sent her that were essentailly the same thing.

05/08/08 - I've decided to express myself creatively by running up to people and giving them tattoos they didn't want. I call it "Skin Blogging".

05/07/08 - You can teach your dog to fetch your newspaper, but you can't teach him to pick out an investment portfolio that can't be described as anything but unsound.

05/06/08 - Why does Paul McCartney still sound like he used to when he sings, but now, when he talks, he sounds all burn victim-y.

05/05/08 - Ahhh, Cinco de Mayo. The Mexican holiday where we make sure the sound tracks are lined up on our independent films about mayonaise for some reason.

05/04/08 - The only way girls are going to think playing Dungeons and Dragons is cool and sexy is if we start incorporating those AWFUL girls from The Hills into it. Sure, it'll be hard at first...but then the promise of leveling a +3 broadsword up against one of their heads could be pretty satisfying.

05/03/08 - You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain. Too much love drives a man insane. You broke my will. But what a thrill. Goodness, gracious, I've clearly got some sort of post traumatic stress disorder.

05/02/08 - Potential sidekicks for Iron Man:

Cobalt Lad
The Tungsten Kid
Rust Runt
Gold Gal (Probably a better arch-nemesis name)
Sir Joseph Lyons Esq.
Iron Man Jr.
Robin...but just in metal underpants
The Calcium Crusader
Phosphorous Boy
Iron Man's Pal Andy Rooney

05/01/08 - Rambo. Die Hard. Rocky. Indiana Jones. Man, oh man. It's not the return of the action stars from the 80's...it's the return of the action stars IN their 80's.

Heh. Hehehe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh Lordy! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey Honey! Guess what I just wrote! HAHAHA! You know how Harrison Ford and Stallone and such are real old, but they were in action movies in the 1980's? What?! No I can't hear you! No, I said Stallone! Yeah! No I didn't take out the garbage yet, I'm pondering! What?! It can wait until after dinner! No AFTER dinner! What?! What do you mean you're suffocating!?! Well, I had a whole bunch of dreams too! Don't do that while I'm pondering!!! What?! Forget it! I'll be in the garage watching Night of the Comet!

04/30/08 - What's the single most prominent cause of the creation of supervillians behind horriffic lab accidents? An unhealthy desire to get a chance at yanking down Wonder Woman's tube top....SO SAYETH DOCTOR GRABBIUS!!!

04/29/08 - The day I start watching Grey's Anatomy is the day they clearly start incoroporating zombies into their storylines.

04/28/08 - Hash Browns are Breakfast's little way of saying, "UP YOURS, PANCAKES! Here's a bunch of french fries that banded together in order to be way more delicious than you!"

04/27/08 - What's creepier than a Garden Gnome? Nothing.

04/26/08 - Until I get a good look at his face, I'm not going to rule out the possibility that Slash is my biological uncle.

04/25/08 - Corn is now king. Wheat is lucky if it ends up as a prince. Sorghum still sucks.

04/24/08 - A watched pot never boils. It also never freezes water too, which is weird since you figure it should do one or the other. Stupid liquid.

04/23/08 - Adorable Ways to Explain a Thunderstorm to Children:

Angels bowling
God's just moving furniture
The Human Cannonball is practicing at the circus
Astronauts taking off
Superman clapped his hands
Atlas shrugged

Awful Ways to Explain Thunderstorms to Children:

Airplanes are doin' it
Odin is striking down sinners
Jesus farted
The nuclear power plant is exploding
Superman just punched Daddy.
Leave me a lone and read Atlas Shrugged...ya crummy orphan.

04/22/08 - If it turns out that the Cloverfield monster is actually Johnathan Winters after he got his hands on a whole mess of human growth hormones, I'm going to be pissed...AND I'm going to owe Lord Robert $5.

04/21/08 - There's nothing more satisfying than taking a day off of work...well, I guess you could be taking the day off of work to go judge a Supermodels who Write Comic Books contest....which, I guess would be slightly more satisfying than another hellish day of putting on Restoration comedies at your desk with your stapler and 3-hole punch.

04/20/08 - Woooooo! 4-20! Yeahhhhhh! You know what that means today, right! Sweeeeeet! Oh yeah, this is the day we all get together and light up a bunch of birthday candles and celebrate George Takei's birthday!

04/19/08 - Who would win in a fight Snarf or Orko? I don't know I just hope they get hit by a bus while they're fighting.

04/18/08 - I am a one man Army. I'm also a one man Navy, a one man Merchant Marines, a one man League of Women Voters and a one man man.

04/17/08 - If I stopped shaving, I'd still look like me, I'd just look more like I majored in philosophy at community college.

04/16/08 - If we had flying cars, it would dramatically decrease the number of fatal road accidents. Of course the number of mid air nuclear explosions (due to the fusion engines we'll probably need to run the flying cars) will skyrocket.

04/15/08 - Just to be safe, I enclosed $5, a Cadbury Egg, and a picture of me on the hood of a Camaro with my tax return this year. That should keep me out of an overly traumatic audit this year.

04/14/08 - You should treat your first day at a new job like it's your first day in prison. Always be confident, try to make firends with someone in the popular group, and punch someone in the throat so they know not to mess with you.

04/13/08 - My college experience was a lot like Animal House in that on several occassions I ended up giving a horse a heart attack.

04/12/08 - You know, John Wilkes Booth Really DOES look like the guy on the Pringles can.

04/11/08 - Umbrellas are our little way of telling God, "Sorry Pal. No ruining my hairdo. You're gonna have to try with lightning now."

04/10/08 - A hobo will always be able to beat up a bum, but a drifter can trump a hobo any day of the week...except for the day they go to the methadone clinic...then it's nothing but punches and swearing.

04/09/08 - A professional sport in desperate need of cheerleaders? Bowling. A professional sport that should be outlawed from ever having cheerleaders? Pyramid Toppling with Cannonballs for Distance and Accuracy.

04/08/08 - Have you ever tried taking word balloons from a Marmaduke comic strip and pasting them in one of those books about the Kama Sutra? It's hilarious! And, somehow, WAY sexier!

04/07/08 - I consider myself to be an intellectual...and by intellectual I mean I can do the crossword puzzle in the People Magazine in like 6 minutes. Here's a hint, DAMON Wayans was in Blankman.

04/06/08 - Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!!! PEOPLE!!!!!!!! It's also high in sodium!!!! SODIUM!!!!!!!!!!

04/05/08 - Best arcade game ever? Pac Man. Worst arcade game ever? The blood pressure machine at the drug store.

04/04/08 - Having to work overtime at your job is a lot like being forced explain cold fusion to Steven Segal. It's frustrating, pointless, and and you go home feeling like a fat guy hit you with a pool cue.

04/03/08 - Flight Lieutenant Doug Sanderson is my co-pilot.

04/02/08 - A big happy birthday to Sir Alec Guinness. A great man who taught me that these are, in fact, not the droids I'm looking for and he's always a constant resource of information as towards what bridges I should or should not blow up.

04/01/08 - Ahhhh, April Fools Day. Holiday of kings. The one day to celebrate truly the finest amongst us; the fool. The one day that keeps the makers of fake vomit in business and makes the most stoic tremble in fear. I would ponder more, but I must go convince someone that a polar bear has taken residence inside their Subaru.

Happy NEW New Years!

03/31/08 - Japan loves baseball way too much. In order to balance the scales of cross-cultural pastime abosrbtion I'll be selling my underpants in a vending machine.

03/30/08 - I've been counting cards in Las Vegas casinos. I think goons would break my hands less if I would just stop counting them out loud.

03/29/08 - I'm fairly certain that all great technological advancements can be traced directly back to the invention of the crossbow. Crossbows and thumbs separate us from the apes.

03/28/08 - These jelly beans are giving me jelly gas.

03/27/08 - Working in an office is a lot like being trapped in an iron maiden. It's incredibly painful and you'll die faster if you try to move.

03/26/08 - Girls have diaries. Boys have journals. All I've got is the scrap of cardboard I'm writing my "To Moon" list on.

03/25/08 - Most Exciting Alternate Dimensions:

Cowboy
Lava World
Hitler's Brain wins WWIII
Nudist
Medievel
Werewolf

Least Exciting Alternate Dimensions:

Librarian
Universal Metric System
Utopia
The Everyone's Greek Universe
Pork is the only white meat
Gay Cowboy

03/24/08 - Best James Bond? Sean Connery. Worst James Bond? This jerk I know named James Bond.

03/23/08 - And now, in celebration of this Holiday please enjoy the top 17 ways to survive the rigors of Easter from my top selling field guide "101 Ways to Survive the Rigors of Easter". Enjoy:

When hiding Easter eggs from small children, be sure to put some eggs in hard to reach places, so that the little kids can attain some sense of accomplishment. May I suggest a rusty old septic system, in your wolverine cage, or Dr. P. H. McWisenheimer's Grand Museum of Broken Glass and Other Sharp Things.
Remember folks, baby chicks don't make good pets. Sure they're tiny and cute when they're little, but you'll be sorry you got them when you've got a rabid chicken on top of City Hall with an automatic weapon gunning down people.
Always be sure to keep in mind the true spirit of Easter. The day a giant anthromorphic rabbit with a pension for candy, died for our sins.
Caught up in the heat of Easter morning passion with your spouse or significant other? Well, cool your jets! Those Peeps are not reliable contraceptives!
Decorate your Easter Eggs beautifully for the children that you like. Just rehide last year's eggs for that little sociopath that can't seem to stop dropping his pants in the cafeteria.
Make sure you send the kids to bed early the day before Easter. This will give you plenty of time to hide eggs, enjoy some Easter nog, and erase all of the evidence of their original birth parents.
Black jelly beans are a tool of Satan. Don't ever forget this. Anyone who says they like them is probably trying to trick you into buying a time share or something.
Easter is a beautiful time of love and forgiveness. A time to be together with family...a family who shouldn't give you a hard time, since you've been convicted of attacking all of those people with a claw hammer...because they should be full of the Easter spirit...or else you'll claw hammer them good.
Santa knows if you've been bad or good...but all the Easter Bunny cares about is how much time you spend thinking about that cheerleader on that Bud Light billboard.
Don't ever forget the countless people who die every Easter trying to eat that damned delicious looking plastic grass.
Make sure it's a fun time with Easter Carols! Kids always perk up to fun songs like "The Easter Bunny was Delicious", "Jesus is Back so Gimme Some Candy", and "It's not a 'Good' Friday if I Gotta Go to Work".
Remember, Thundercats action figures are the best when putting on a Passion play for the kids. "And lo! Panthro saw that the tomb had been opened and the body of Lion-O was no longer there! And Snarf rejoiced!"
Cadbury Eggs are the Easter equivilent of crack cocaine or heroin. Easter is wonderful...but the week after that is a dizzying nightmare of Trainspotting-esque proportions.
If you don't find all of the hidden Easter eggs, then Jesus will have died for nothing.
Weaving your own Easter basket can be "fun". Notice the use of quotes in "fun". It's "fun" as in it's better than having to give an erotic message to Johnathan Winters...but that's about it.
You can watch all of the great Easter themed movies! Let's watch Jesus Christ, Superstar and....well....ummm.....what about....no that one was about shaolin monks....hmmm.....well....awww, damn it! Screw it. Let's just watch Clash of the Titans instead.
What are you people doing?!? Don't you see!?! We've got to prepare! Easter marks the birth of Zombie Jesus! He's arisen and he's hungry...for BRAINS! I'll board us up in the storm cellar, you grab the Peeps and load up my shotgun.

Happy Easter everyone!

03/22/08 - I've decided to paint all of my Easter Eggs with portraits of Robert Vaughn's greatest roles. OK, Kids! Someone hasn't found the Superman III egg or the Magnificent Seven egg or the 13 Man From U.N.C.L.E. eggs yet. What's the matter?! Robert Vaughn is a big part of this holiday!!!

03/21/08 - I've already lost the Hodgepodge Society's NCAA March Madness pool. Instead of teams on my brackets I just listed cereal mascots. I should have known Sugar Bear could have never beat the ferocity of Tucan Sam.

03/20/08 - I don't practice Sateria. I ain't got no crystal ball.

That's why I use tarot cards...they're GI Joe tarot cards....Roadblock is the Goblet card...I have no idea what it means...

03/19/08 - Did you ever have one of those days where there's no way you could get drunk enough to make it better? This is one of those days. So I'm just eating Funyuns instead. It's not working.

03/18/08 - How did the cartoon Rainbow Brite eventually end? Did she kill that guy?

03/17/08 - Ahhh, yes. Saint Patrick's Day. A day for mirth and drink. A day to kiss those professing to be Irish and to kiss the one's you're positive aren't Irish but are too drunk to know any better anyway. A day devoted to a noble Saint who wants us to celebrate together and to beat the unholy crap out of any reptiles we see. A great holiday for a great people...just, you know...don't celebrate too hard near any sort of public zoo...I sort of murdered a whole mess of Komodo Dragons last year.

03/16/08 - I've decided to get a masters degree in History using only Prince Valiant comics as study material. My final thesis "Bowl Haircuts are Stupid" is going to blow a lot of people's minds.

03/15/08 - Starting your own bonfire is a lot like playing the stock market. It's a lot of fun if your're doing well and it causes 3rd degree burns if you're not.

03/14/08 - Eye crusties in the morning are the Sandman's little way of saying, "Hey kids, I'm just lazy."

03/13/08 - I think it's important that we hold our elected officials to a higher moral standard than we hold ourselves. That's why I hate it when politicians get caught up on scandals. When that happens I need to make myself way worse by comparison. I'm sick and tired of selling black market eyeballs to Serbians just for piece of mind.

03/12/08 - Why does a "Sloppy Joe" sound so delicious to me and yet a "Sloppy Carl" just fills me with terror?

03/11/08 - Bullets and knives are my Kryptonite.

03/10/08 - I've finally decided on my rap name, "MC Escher". My impozzible constructionzzz will make your brain go ka-pow!

03/09/08 - If I ever get the chance to be George Clooney, the first thing I'm going to do is find the real me and autograph my copy of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes II.

03/08/08 - Getting your car inspected is a lot like waiting for your first child to be born. It takes all day, it costs way more than you wanted it to, and if you don't agree with your estimate you can take the baby home without any innoculations.

03/07/08 - I'm hoping that keeping to the whole "no meat on Fridays" thing will pretty much cancel out the thousands of hours spent thinking impure thoughts about Lynda Carter, when I get to the Pearly Gates. Not sure what I'm going to do about canceling out all of the other stuff thought. I'm just hoping I end up walking past an Orphanage fire one day or something.

03/06/08 - You know what's probably behind the whole Bermuda Triangle mystery? I'm not sure, but I've narrowed it down to either Leprechauns or Gremlins.

03/05/08 - The best treatment for a headache? A temple massage and the soothing sound of gentle ocean waves. The worst treatment for a headache? Temple-centric hammer-beatings and the sound of two High School Marching Band buses crashing head first into each other.

I've tried both.

03/04/08 - Beekeepers are the lumberjacks of honey.

03/03/08 - I cook dinner like I'm at Karate practice. Nothing is as good as I think it looks and I've got to deal with excrutiating splinters.

03/02/08 - I need more fiber in my diet, but I can't be bothered to eat anything that doesn't have marshmallow in it.

03/01/08 - When I was little I was convinced there was a monster living in my closet. Boy was I relieved when it just turned out to be a crazy drifter just hiding in my room to get away from the law and the "aliens trying to steal his corn syrup". In my weaker moments, I really miss Stabby Pete.

02/29/08 - You know what really creeps me out? People born on leap years. Oh really, boss? Did I not get the Anderson Proposal to you on time?! Well, guess what?! Technically, you're ten years old. So...you know...go to your room.

02/28/08 - Prussia is pressuring me to abdicate my Royal Crown...cola.

02/27/08 - It would be nice if I could just successfully remodel a kitchen ONCE without unearthing ancient Myan ruins. Sure I can avenge the spirit of Quartlzetuelcoatszchul OR I can do my damn dishes.

02/26/08 - Driving in a snow storm is a lot like romancing a polar bear. If you're not careful you'll die a horrible, horrible death.

02/25/08 - While everyone was caught up in the hubbub of Oscar fever, discussing who was wearing what or who deserved to win over whom or filling out another Javier Bardem insurance policy just to be sure, why won't anyone remember the most importanat thing that happened during the 80th Academy Awards? Gary Busey ate Hannah Montana.

02/24/08 - Can anyone really improve on breakfast after the dawn of the McMuffin? I'm not sure but I'm hoping my prototype MacWaffle will break that syrup glazed barrier....once I figure out why it keeps killing rats.

02/23/08 - I'm on the all cream cheese diet and, judging by the way I can feel my heart racing in my chest, I bet the pounds are just melting off.

02/22/08 - If dogs ever figure out how to talk, I'm going to have to have mine deported to Portugal or something. They've seen..."things"...unspeakable things...

02/21/08 - I can't prove that Winston Churchill is haunting my Subaru...but, then again, I can't disprove it.

02/20/08 - Making snow angels is fun. Making snow Keifer Sutherlands is complicated.

02/19/08 - What do you get a girl after she realizes you forgot about President's Day? Is it pantaloons? Please say it's pantaloons.

02/18/08 - For reasons that are far too complicated and terrifying to explain, DO NOT let Jean Reno be your Confirmation sponsor.

02/17/08 - I usually don't enjoy watching the news, so when I do, I turn down the sound and then just play the dialogue from Rocky IV. I just feel good listening to someone report that they punched Communisim in the face everyday.

02/16/08 - You know what would really bring us together as a nation once again? Building another canal.