Ugh. Where....where am I? Bleargh. Ugh. It feels like something crawled into my mouth. Dropped a litter of bacteria. Then died...and then all of the bacteria died. Blahh. Man, why do I do this to myself every NEW New Year's Eve? I party so freakin' hard and then I wake up in a dumpster in Provo, Utah and my pants are nowhere to be seen. Well, while I wait for my Great Aunt Harold to show up and haul my butt back to Pittsburgh, I might as well tell you about the Hodgepodge Society's NEW New Year's Eve Bash!

The evening was held at the delightfully crowded Sphinx Cafe' in Pittsburgh. The Pittsburgh Chapter of the Hodgepodge Society was delighted to host the festivites, since a minor performance hiatus had left them all rusty and potentially dangerous. The evening opened with everyone explaining what they had done while they were away. While some had spent their time adopting orphans or getting arrested in Prague, Sir Joseph Lyons Esq. opted to spend his time giving national treasure, Maya Angelou, a wedgie...he was nearly killed.

It was all going splendidly until the jerks from the MishMash Brotherhood showed up. You know, I just wish we could celebrate ONE non-traditional holiday without those guys showing up and ruining the fun by talking about skin rashes or bowel movements. Anyway, the evening continued. While we bemused the hookah smoking crowd with the story of the first April Fools Day and the first April Fool, the MishMash Brotherhood watched from afar plotting evil...things...yeah...

After that, the Hodgepodge Society informed the crowd about all of the party requirements for any given NEW New Year's Eve. One must always be ready to show off on the dance floor, have a resolution to give (both actual and one you just have for show) and be ready to have a sweetheart to kiss at the stroke of midnight. While the others tried to stifle their giggling at the work "stroke", Sir Joseph and Lord Robert reminded folks what the absolutely MOST important thing to have at a NEW New Year's party...Journey's "Any Way You Want It" in the stereo and ready to go at all times.

As midnight drew ever closer, we prepared the item which would be "dropped", so to speak, as the clock struck twelve. Of course the Hodgepodge Society isn't foolish enough to drop some sort of crystal ball or something. Hell no! We don't have the skills or proper zoning permits for that! On a NEW New Year's Eve, the Hodgepodge Society rings in the NEW New Year in style...by dropping a copy of the 1985 cinematic masterpiece Gymkata...on DVD...on a string. A beautiful sight to behold for sure. I just wish I could remember seeing it...or I just wish I could find my pants.

Well, the countdown to the NEW New Year went wonderfully and everyone sang what they could remember of Auld Lange Syne...which is not very much and then, FINALLY, we got to listen to Journey. In accordance with Hodgepodge Society customs, the very first April Fools joke of the year was performed! Lord Robert performed one of his typical charades involving old timey hats and Atlanteans, while I, Sir Joseph Lyons Esq., opted to shoot Lord Robert in the neck with a dart. What can I say? I was hopped up on strawberry tobbacco and not feeling very clever. All was mirth, merriment and neck-darts, until those jerks from the MishMash Brotherhood approached with a suspicious looking box...

"What was in the box?", you may ask your computer praying for once that it would answer you. Well, the MishMash Brotherhood got caught up in the evening's festivities and thought that a good April Fools joke would be to deliver Lady Laurie Bolewitz Bordeaux Jr.'s cat's...head...in a box...a la the film Se7en...but with less screaming. Sigh. Oh, when will those MishMash fellows learn how to tell a joke? Never, probably. All I know is that a delightful time was had by all and we here at the Hodgepodge Society want to thank the Sphinx Cafe' and most of the audience who rang in the NEW New Year with us. Now, I really should get going...I hear sirens....and some guy shouting "I think I saw that tuxedo guy over here"...I'm probably in a lot of trouble...great...I'm never coming back to Utah...