HEY!!!!! Well, if it isn't that sonofabitch, Doug Smeltzer the lady killer from Accounts Payable! You bastard! Merry Christmas! Have you tried some of the nog?! AW! You gotta try some of this nog! I've had some good nog in my day but, DAMN this is some fine nog! WOO!! Yeah, me and Stevens from Shipping made sure we topped it off with some vodka because it's a goddamn party goddamnit! YEAH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!! Oh man, I love these parties. Every year the say they're gonna cancel it, but they don't. Oh, man. Here she comes. Pretend like you're not having a total blast...

Hey Susan! Merry Christmas! Oh yeah, same to you. How are the kids? Santa's bringing them Power Rangers. How neat. Ok, I'll see you on that conference call tomorrow.....

She gone? Thank Christ. I hate that shrill office gossip. I gotta hear about her kids one more time I'm gonna punch her right in the teeth. I mean it, Doug. I'll do it! Aw, man, I'm comin' down off of my nog buzz. Gimme some more nog. Ohhhhhh, yeah! THERE IT IS!!! Oh. Oh, hot damn. Here comes that new temp secretary, whatshername. I don't remember, all I know is that she's got great cans. I'm gonna totally go up to her. What do you mean I shouldn't?! You sayin' I aint got any game?! You watch, it's gonna be a Christmas miracle...

Hey....you! Merry Christmas! You know usually we don't let the temps come to the party, but I walked right into Mr. Stickwick's office and I was like, "Hey, JERK, Christmas is a time for giving and I say we give the temps a friggin' awesome party!" I did totally say that right to his face. You try the nog? Oh man, it's so good though! You gotta have some of this nog. Here, take a sip of mine. No? Come on! It's Christm....AW DAMN! I'm sorry. Oh jeeze, all over your blouse. Nothing gets out nog stains, trust me. Here, let me try.....HEY! No need to get slappy. I'm just trying to help a fellow CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet employee, even if you're just a temp. We've got to get you out of that shirt. Hey! I'm just trying to help. Come on, we'll go to the supply closet and take care of that stain underneath the mistletoe. Hey! Where are you going?! Come onnnn!! Just let them breathe out in the open for a minute! RELEASE THE COMPUGLOBALHYPERMEGANET TWO!

Well, that went well. We're totally gonna meet in the supply closet later. I tell you what man. I love this time of year. Sure, the traffic sucks, people lose their minds shopping, and work gets turbo busy, but it does help me remember the true meaning of life...getting ripped on egg nog and hitting on women who are WAY out of my league. Hey look! Here comes Witherspoon from Accounts Receivable. I hate him so much. I hate him and his stupid face. The mighty war between Accounts Receivable and Accounts Payable is an ancient one indeed. One day our holy blood feud will claim the life of one of our tribes and the other will stand triumphant, covered in the gore of their fallen enemy. Gimme some more nog. Doug, today, on this the party to celebrate the birth of the Lord, let us reap the prophecy and finally wipe the disease that is Accounts Receivable off of the face of the planet. Let this...lemme finish my nog.....let this be our final battle....

WITHERSPOON!!! I CALL YOU AND YOUR ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE BRETHEREN OUT! PREPARE TO FACE THE UNHOLY WRATH OF ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. I JUDGE YOU AS UNFIT OF THE GIFT OF LIFE!! ACCOUNTS PAYABLE!!! CHOOSE YOUR TAGET AND LETS US WIPE THE STAIN OFF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE FROM THIS MORTAL COIL!!! AIEEE!!!!

Office parties always get way outta control.

Back to Sir Joseph Lyons, Esq's Essays