Ahhh, yes, Thanksgiving. The very word invokes images of families gathered around large tables giving thanks for the things that haven’t quite put them in prison yet. One can’t help but also think about Pilgrims and Native Americans joining in the spirit of togetherness, while they celebrate the slaughter of a helpless Turkey-American…before…you know…additional bloodshed and land in exchange for beads taking. Truly, this is what Thanksgiving is all about. And if this is what you think, then you would be so horribly wrong that I’d probably have to sit down for a little while to just be able to handle your abject stupidity. We here at the Hodgepodge Society, if nothing else, are constantly trying to uncover the truth about our world’s holidays. We’ve had our triumphs, like when we uncovered the original Arbor Day Tree, and we’ve had our horrifying brushes with grisly reality, like when we discovered that the origins of Flag Day pretty much revolved exclusively around firing endangered badgers out of cannons for both distance and accuracy. That’s right, wave your flag and don’t worry about why there aren’t any more Costa Rican Switchblade Badgers anymore.

Anyway, the origins of Thanksgiving are both complicated and fascinating. It can be traced back to the xenophobic days of feudal Japan. There, Hodgepodge Society member Ori Nakimura, a low ranking samurai and closeted Kabuki performer, discovered a an ancient and venomous strain of sentient cranberry sauce, possibly engineered by a dirty westerner in an attempt to infect ancient Japan with powdered wigs and missionary positions. Ori, thrilled at the possibility of acting in the Kabuki Theater with a form of cranberry sauce, named the poisonous and angry lifeform “Toshi” and attempted to book them a series of matinees for the amusement of the Emperor. It would be fair to mention at this point in the story, that Ori was a bit of an idiot, in fact, he only gained Hodgepodge Society membership because of his tremendous singing voice and his ability to help us translate the ancient Japanese tome of epic Samurai Warrior “Your Mamma Be So Fat” Jokes. During the first rehearsal of Ori’s own self penned Kabuki play “Neil Simon’s Lost in Okinawa”, Toshi, the sentient and quite venomous cranberry sauce, devoured Ori, along with everyone else in his prefecture, and then hopped a trade ship on it’s way to the New World.

When Toshi arrived on the North American continent, he ruled most of what would become Canada for several hundred years. Many a moose and the few remaining primordial lumberjacks trembled before the might of Toshi as he devoured all that stood in his path all while making unreasonable proclamations like the eradication of any and all insects that began with the letter “F” and the requirement for all lifeforms to wear slacks in his presence. His was a harsh rule. Several governing bodies throught the globe outlawed the use of cranberries and the cranberry itself was known, from that point on, as the “Bastard Fruit”. Something had to be done to stop Toshi and his oppressive rule by eating and slacks. It was a Hodgepodge Society member who discovered him and it would be a Hodgepodge Society member who would have to put a stop to him.

Her name was Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay, a Navaho princess known for her great beauty and even greater skill in the art of humor. She was inducted into the Hodgepodge Society after she united 17 Native American tribes through laughter during her roast of her father, Suavely Trades Land For Beads. Upon hearing the plight of the people in Canada, under the gooey and vicious rule of Toshi, Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay knew something had to be done. One day, she asked for an audience with Toshi, under the guise of being able to suggest to him how to finally get rid of all of the damn primordial lumberjacks. Armed with only her wit and a crude Native American flamethrower (a gassy woodchuck affixed to the end of a torch), Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay approached the smelly and unappetizing Toshi. “So tell me,” the cranberry monstrosity belched, “what is to be done about these accursed lumberjacks?!” “Well”, Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay began to explain, “you see, they can’t live without flannel and…NOW!” For you see, “Now” is Navaho for “do that thing we talked about earlier right this very moment” and upon hearing this signal, a team of angry Kabuki Samurai rained down upon Toshi from the trees and sliced him into several hundred thousand, ridged loafs with their ancient Swords of Despair and Stabbing.

It was a good thing Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay had contacted the Kabuki Samurai a few weeks earlier through a smoke signal-giant gong communiqué and they were eager for the chance to avenge the fallen Hodgepodge Society member, Ori. The battle was long and messy, but in the end Toshi was vanquished to the land of dead sentient food, and Canada went back to being peacefully free until the Mole People took over in 1964. Now all that was left was to figure out what to do with the basically tolerable loafs of Toshi. Good thing Milwaukee Brewers Rain Delay had an idea. Those pushy Christians that had just sailed over from Europe were looking for an excuse to get rid of all of the turkeys they had slaughtered, since it was then viewed as the least holy of the bird world, and they figured the Native Americans would be more than happy to do so. So the Christians showed up with their dirty turkeys and the Native Americans showed up with their hunks of a deceased cranberry overlord. Bread was broken stories were shared….and it all pretty much went downhill from there.

So there you have it, the origins of Thanksgiving. Just a big ol’ cover-up for an excuse to choke down cranberry sauce every year. If we all do our part and have at least 1 slice of the damn stuff, then we’ll help make sure that a venomous sentient cranberry monster never takes over Canada ever again. So, please pass some more of that gravy, and Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

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