...and THAT'S why I can't go back to Yugoslavia. Because once you've made sweet love to the prime minister's...OH! Hello there. Marty, I, uh, I really should call you back. OK. I'll see you at the Don Pablos for lunch. Ok. You're mother's a whore too. Ok. Bye!

Whew! Sorry about that. Please, take a seat. Well, as you may have heard around the photocopier, we've been conducting performance evaluations as of late and we've been looking at the questionnaires we had everyone fill out last week. Remember that? Good. Well, we've come across yours and frankly we're a little concerned about some of the red flags that have come up in your answers. Well, "red flags" seems a little harsh, how about we just call them "potential signals indicating possible physical harm in the workplace"? Ok? Good. Now I want to reference the answer you put for question three, "How do I plan on improving my work performance in the third quarter?" Ok, for this one you answered "I'm gonna stop strangling marmosets in the restroom." Now how do you think we feel about that? First of all it DOES explain why that toilet constantly overflows, what with all marmoset carcasses, but I will reference you to our employee handbook, which CLEARLY states that any euthanization of small mammals can't be performed on office property without Regional Vice President approval. Now I'm willing to look the other way on this one, but let's continue with the review.

Ok, here under "social security number" you just put 867-5309. Now, one, that's not enough numbers, and, two, that's Jenny's number and she's a total bitch for not calling me back. Thank you for re-opening up that wound.

Now, under "skills that make you an asset to this company" you just wrote the word "fork" and drew a picture of, what appears to be, Thomas Jefferson riding an alligator. Huh? Ok, crocodile. We here, at this company, always value people with an artistic spirit, but since you're in our accounting department, we'd like to see your math, calculating, or "number fudging" skills featured. That is, after all what we pay you minimum wage plus 3.6% for after all.

Finally, under "areas in which I could improve", you wrote "your mom", scratched that out, then you wrote "Johnny PoopooPants", then you scratched that out and wrote "I gave your car cancer." Which, frankly, doesn't make a whole heap of sense. And why would you want to give my Subaru cancer?! What has my car done to you?!

Look, I think this may the best time for you and this company to part ways. Look at it as us optimizing opportunity for you to find more gainful employment, perhaps as a bus driver or strip club DJ. We just....don't feel safe with you in the room...or the building....or in this county. So, Luther from Security is going to escort you to your desk and if you could please clean it out, which wont take long because I know that all you've got in there is erotic pictures of Dame Judy Dench and "to be strangled" marmosets, and please vacate the premises. It's been wonderful having you, but this company just doesn't have enough lawyers to feel safe keeping you here.

Have a nice day!

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