Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has spawned a series of books based on his initial philosophy. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens. Power of the Seven Habits. Beyond the Seven Habits. We here in the MishMash Brotherhood believe strongly in the self-determined life. Many of our members are motivational speakers. Due to a contract with their publishers, most of these members are legally prevented from making their membership to our illustrious brotherhood publicly known. Let’s just say that a certain high-ranking member, we’ll call him “Rony Tobbins”, didn’t get so darn tall without the help of certain MishMash-patented torture devices… (Oh, please, the Spanish Inquisition my lily-white ass. Usted aspira, Richelieu.)

In any case, in our continuing effort to educate and encourage our brethren, we present herein the first in a series of member-specific uses of Mr. Covey’s Seven Habits.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Necrophiliacs

1. Be Proactive. This is the ability to control one's environment, rather than have it control you, as is so often the case. Self determination, choice, and the power to decide response to stimulus, conditions and circumstances. Necrophilia is not a lifestyle choice entered into lightly. You must be ever vigilant in your efforts to not be caught having sexual intercourse with the deceased. A sloppy necrophiliac is an imprisoned necrophiliac. You must research your intended lover. Where is he or she interred? Is there security on the cemetery grounds? If you are a fresh meat sort of guy or gal, how do you propose to enter the morgue of a major metropolitan hospital? These questions cannot be answered by the willy-nilly corpsefucker.

2. Begin with the End in Mind. Covey calls this the habit of personal leadership - leading oneself that is, towards what you consider your aims. By developing the habit of concentrating on relevant activities you will build a platform to avoid distractions and become more productive and successful. As a necrophiliac, you must refine and define your desire. Given the legal implications of your aims, which tend toward sexual relations with deceased persons, you need to stream-line the process. Define your desire. Are you orally-fixated, preferring to taste of the cold, clammy flesh of the dead? Are you a cuddler, requiring the impersonal cool of a man or woman who can’t possibly reject your love? Can you get away with simple masturbation or do you really require penetration? Answering these questions will help prevent your incarceration and get you what you really want without a mess. A legal mess, I mean. I know a few of you like the other kind of mess.

3. Put First Things First. Covey calls this the habit of personal management. This is about organizing and implementing activities in line with the aims established in habit 2. Covey says that habit 2 is the first, or mental creation; habit 3 is the second, or physical creation. Again, a stream-lined process will prevent incarceration. What do you need to purchase for your date with the dead? Buy these items and organize them in a handbag or tackle box. Plan out your route to the locale required for your sexual activity. Imagine yourself in an episode of CSI and figure out how best to stump William Peterson. Because he was awful in the original Red Dragon.

4. Think Win-Win. Covey calls this the habit of interpersonal leadership, necessary because achievements are largely dependent on co-operative efforts with others. He says that win-win is based on the assumption that there is plenty for everyone, and that success follows a co-operative approach more naturally than the confrontation of win-or-lose. This habit doesn’t necessarily apply to you, necrophiliacs. I mean, how can a dead person lose any more than they have already? Seriously. Unless they’re in heaven, looking down on you raping their body, helpless to stop you and horribly emotionally scarred despite the presence of the holy host. Which is such a lovely thought, really.

I think I just came a little bit myself, to be honest.

For a more effective demonstration of interpersonal skills, see habit 6.

5. Seek First to Understand and Then to Be Understood. One of the great maxims of the modern age. This is Covey's habit of communication, and it's extremely powerful. Covey helps to explain this in his simple analogy 'diagnose before you prescribe'. Simple and effective, and essential for developing and maintaining positive relationships in all aspects of life. How did your lover die? What was their life like before they died? How can you best defile their memory with your sexual deviance? If you happen to be caught, you want your captors and the family of the deceased to understand absolutely why their stupid laws and morals don’t apply to you and why you chose THEIR family or friend for your lovemaking. If they understand you, they may decrease your sentence. Or become traumatized. Either way is good for us.

6. Synergize. Covey says this is the habit of creative co-operation - the principle that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which implicitly lays down the challenge to see the good and potential in the other person's contribution. The MishMash Brotherhood is comprised of members from every walk of life. Our diversity is one of our many strengths. We are accountants, CEOs, postal workers, homemakers, axe murderers, morticians, das wampyr, etc. We all have special skills and talents that make us unique and valuable members of our illustrious brotherhood. These skills used in tandem create awesome possibilities. For the necrophiliac, there can be no more useful brother than the mortician, the coroner, the undertaker, etc. Perhaps a CEO’s secretary knows too much and he accidentally premeditatedly murders her. What better way to demonstrate solidarity and brotherhood than handing her over to you, the necrophiliac, whose semen will doubtlessly exonerate your CEO brother?

7. Sharpen the Saw. This is the habit of self renewal, says Covey, and it necessarily surrounds all the other habits, enabling and encouraging them to happen and grow. Covey interprets the self into four parts: the spiritual, mental, physical and the social/emotional, which all need feeding and developing. For our purposes, this habit just means literally keeping your dismemberment tools clean and sharp. A memento worth keeping takes precision instruments. Nothing will assist you in your self renewal like the daily reminder of a severed toe on a length of delicate silver chain, a pair of crystal blue eyeballs floating in your custom lava lamp, or a labia lip loofah sponge.

Well, necrophiliacs, we here at the MishMash Brotherhood hope that this has been useful to you. If you aren’t a necrophiliac but are curious about the subject, a visit the National Sexual Deviance Museum in Tucson, Arizona might prove informative. As well, you can find literature on necrophilia at most local libraries. If you are a student, please ask your school librarian.

Keep an eye out for future installments of Seven Habits of Highly Effective _________!

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