I live in Pittsburgh and anyone else who lives in Pittsburgh will tell you, we are just so sick and tired of the goddamn zombie problem. I can't walk past a day care or a deli without having to put a 45-caliber bullet in the brain of a zombie. It's starting to get really damn tedious. Day in and day out, here I am trying to make a living by giving out free back rubs to sexy ladies and livestock extortion, and I've got to be looking over my shoulder for some undead ghoul who'd like nothing more than to feast on my delicious brains and try on my shoes. I remember a time when I could apply for a loan or push around a nine year old, without having to constantly stain guard my shirts because I've got zombie juice all over it from that one zombie I wasted that was trying to eat my dog. And the movies are wrong, believe you me. They don't run and they can't think or anything. They just shuffle towards you and most of them just trip over their own putrid intestines. Ooo, scary. Look I've got a racquetball game I've got to get to, so either hurry up and try to kill me or just decompose already. Will the government do anything?! Nooooooo, they're too busy lining their coffers with my hard earned tax dollars and buying solid gold underpants and robotic mistresses. So here we are. We used to be Steel Town USA.... now we're just What-The-Hell-Is-That-Smell?-Oh-Thats-A-Zombie-That's-Caught-In-The-Wheel-Well-Of-My-98-Intrepid Town USA. I love this city, but we really need to get these zombie outbreaks under control. Here are a few suggestions:

Steel coffins.

No waiting period to buy a rifle and children as young as 7 can carry them.

You can't use the Dollar Menu at McDonalds if you're dead.

Free soft serve cone for every Zombie you throw on the bonfire that's raging downtown.

Stop letting Zombies play for the Pirates.

You must have all of your organs in tact to enter any pornography store.

Stop sending satellites up into space.

Really get cracking on that Zombie repellant spray.

No Zombies as pets....OR butlers.

Offer “Perfecting the Head Shot” as a major at Carnegie Mellon.

Try to only die in empty swimming pools with no discernable slope or ladder.

Either we don't let any Zombies on Carson Street, of we just try to keep them all there.

No more “Zombie Empowerment” parades.

I really could go on and on. Look traffic is bad enough as it is, so must we have to put up with the legions of the undead crosswalks the city has had to put in. And, damn it Jerry, if I see you driving in the carpool lane with your dead cousin Ned again, I'm calling the cops. So, everyone, let's all do each other a favor and stop being lame and letting ourselves get bit by zombies. And if you DO get bit, please just report to one of our city's many convenient Kill Stations and have yourself disposed of and don't be all like "Oh it's just a scratch I won't turn, now lock the door behind you and watch me not turn into a zombie and eat you alive". I hate people like that......except for me. That Zombie BARELY got his mouth shut on my arm......I'll be fine.......really..........just, you know......put the gun down.

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