Hello and welcome to the fabulous Yinzatorium Casino & Recreation Hall, the luxurious home of champagne suites and games of chance in the tri-state area! Here at the Yinzatorium, you’ll find all the joys of Vegas without leaving the Eastern Seaboard – plus special delights that you could only find in exotic Western Pennsylvania!

Here’s just a sample of what your day could look like:

10:00 a.m.: After a comfortable sleep-in on the Presidential Suite’s emperor-sized waterbed – beneath the silky warmth of a Steelers blanket – take a steamy shower and enjoy a room-serviced breakfast of four-star scrambled eggs and chip-chopped ham.

11:00: Take a walk along the waterfront with your first Bloody Mary of the day. Remember, if it’s before noon, open container laws are rarely, if ever, enforced.

12:00 p.m.: Get an early start on the blackjack games in the wild and crazy Trolley Car Lounge. Inspired by Station Square’s railroad past, this Trolley Car is an expansive, two-story funhouse of roulette tables, electronic poker screens and virtual Texas Hold ‘Em booths. The coat room and firearm check-in are always available and free of charge.

1:30: Already out of money? Worry not, friend – if there’s one good thing that came out of the Mellon-PNC-Citizens merger, it’s all the easy shark loans. Technically, these people don’t work for the bank, but they work for us and wear the Mellon-PNC-Citizens logos on their polo shirts, so that’s basically just like being legit, right?

2:30: You’ll probably ask yourself: What kind of paradise doesn’t involve strippers in the middle of the afternoon? We asked the same question, and the answer is Spankin’ Me Softly, a 24-hour gentlemen’s club devoted to your frustrated libido. Annoyed with those Pennsylvania laws about covered nipples and groins? No such restrictions here! Just don’t tell anybody, or we’ll have to kill you. No, really. Guido, the guy at the door? He doesn’t mess around. His favorite sound is snapping fingers, so seriously, just enjoy yourself and keep your trap shut. Cool? Oh, and enjoy the regular Rolling Rock specials.

6:00: The pride and joy of the Yinzatorium is our action-packed outdoor show, the Pirates of the Monongahela Stunt Spectacular. Starring the actual Pittsburgh Pirates, this two-hour performance features an epic river battle between a time-traveling baseball team and a galleon full of cutlass-wielding buccaneers. And we’ll let you in on the twist: The Pirates actual win!

8:00: Gamble, gamble, gamble! Bet those chips like you’ve got a secret fortune stowed away in a Swiss bank account. This is an opportune moment to take advantage of our prize-winning absinthe stash (prize-winning in the Czech Republic – nobody else knows about it, except for you and Guido). Here at the Yinzatorium, we firmly believe that hallucinogenic drunkenness is the key to playing at the top of your game. We charge a small and fashionable cork fee of $600 a bottle.

11:00: You may not know who she is in the morning, but yowzah, that call-girl sure looks feisty right now. Using one of our complimentary in-house phones (for a small connection fee of $850), you can call our convenient Rent-a-Date service and have a pouty-lipped call-girl escorting you to your suite in two minutes flat. (Vomit bags and Viagra available upon request).

The Next Morning:

Okay, so that hangover isn’t exactly cured by a sparse continental breakfast, but hey, you had fun, right? Sure, you maxed out four credit cards, dropped your winning chips on the floor, made out with Guido (very confusing) and now there’s a neat little scar where your right kidney used to be, but it’s not like Station Square used to be – you know, with the live music and fine dining and plenty of parking. Here at the Yinzatorium, service is our first priority. Getting a bus ticket out of here – well, that’s up to you.

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