Dear young people,

I, Lord Provost Everett McNewton McCalkins, would like to take a moment of your time to inform you of the truth. It’s what you seem to like. I hear you constantly espousing it, so you must want it. In the interest of giving you what you want (unlike your parents, who hate you), I present to you the truth.

You are not immortal.

You are going to die. Or .2% of you anyway.

As a matter of fact, .2% of you are going to die in one of the following ways:

20% - Accident and adverse effects. This includes car crashes, slipping in the tub, falling down a flight of stairs, broken elevators plummeting down their respective shafts, or the Rube Goldberg devices of Final Destinations 1, 2, and 3.

15% - Human immunodeficiency virus. That’s right. The mother of all VD. So keep pounding your meat pole into heroin junkies, junior. Line that hockey team up at the glory-hole in your neighbor’s attic, young lady. You’re both dead anyway.

15% - Malignant neoplasms, including neoplasms of lymphatic and hematopoietic tissues. To be honest, I have no fucking clue what that means. But some of you are going to die from it!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

11% - Heart disease. Thank you, Ronald McDonald. Now you’re the only clown who ever made ME laugh.

8% - Suicide. Oh, that wonderful bon mot of dead youth. It takes care of so many problems. Your pain is ended, and I no longer have to deal with your smart mouths and/or snarky glares. And it relieved us all of the most overrated musician of the last century. Nirvana fans, that one’s for you.

6% - Homicide and legal intervention. Frankly this number surprised me. How lazy the young have become… Get off your couch, turn off your video game machines, and start killing each other for REAL!

3% - Chronic liver disease and cirrhosis. That’s for the alcoholics. And anyone who was ever in a fraternity or sorority.

2% - Cerebrovascular disease. Really? There are that many brain tumors? Well, if you smell burnt toast, kiddies, this one’s yours. Unless you just burned your toast. Of course, IF you burned your toast AND you had a brain tumor, how would you know? YOU WOULDN’T!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha….

2% - Diabetes. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. Bam, you’re fucking dead!!! Hahahahahaha…..

1% - Pneumonia and influenza. Do you feel a tickle in the back of your throat? No, not like your step-dad’s boner. Different from that. It might be pneumonia or influenza.

18% - Other. That’s right, “other”. Undefined. Unexplained. Inexplicable. Unstoppable. And you’re going to die from it. Whatever it is.

So there you have it. .2% of you are going to die from one of the above causes. To the remaining 99.8%, I say only this: your time is coming, just you wait.

Your BFF,

Lord Provost Everett McNewton McCalkins

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