You know as I go about my day clucking my tongue and remarking how much more fragrant I am than the common antelope, I can always depend on jokes and humor to hand deliver a smile and an uncomfortable, lingering pat on the back. This led me to thinking about the very concept of humor, since I am no longer in control of my brain ever since the whole "Crawfish Incident". There's all types! Absurdist, satirical, conventional, inappropriate, unconventional, diet, and humor with lime. But another form of humor that I now find myself dabbling in (along with my new hobby of collecting porcelain busts of history’s greatest presidential assassins) is observational humor. Yes, observational humor. The humor that we can all relate to. The humor that dares to point at something we see each and every day and remark on how funny it actually is. The surly waitress, the gum on the bottom of your shoe, traffic; they're all potential targets of this comedic art form. Now, my therapist and my fortune teller keep telling me that I really need to get more in touch with "reality" and the "friends and loved ones I'm constantly hurting that surround me", so what better way to reach out and touch people, sans rape whistle blowing, than with observational humor. I'm working on formulating my act now, but I wanted to run a couple of my observations past you folks here. Get ready to laugh at the things we forget to think about every day. Here we go:

You ever notice how after you drown a whole mess of gerbils in a pillowcase, you start to feel a little bad about it? I mean what is the deal?

How come every time I boil my underpants on the stove, everyone in the restaurant suddenly wants me to leave?!

When we will finally realize that it doesn't matter if a tomato is a vegetable or a fruit? It's still not going to bring George Burns back to life.

You ever notice how your Mother In Law always comes over uninvited and your wife gets all mad after you hit her mother with a shovel?

You know what I hate? Waiting in line at the airport and having to explain why I need my toenail clippers....with the laser sight....and 45 caliber bolt action high powered rifle attached to it.

What's the deal with rice pudding?

Why do I have to tip the waiter 15% when I have no intention on paying for anything anyway?

You know what I hate? Junk mail. Especially junk mail that won't paper mache' properly to my life size nude sculpture of Erin "Buck Rogers" Grey.

You ever notice that you park on a "driveway" and drive on a "parkway" and have sex with your cousin in the hallway closet....I woulda called it the "hump hut".

What's the deal with "Remains of the Day"?

I hate it when I lose my keys and I look for them everywhere and then I find them right where I always keep them, impacted in the colon of my pet wolverine.

Don't you hate it when it gets to be tax time and then you realized you haven't filled out your W2's properly at the cock fighting arena where you take bets for people.

How come I can't go in the 10 items or less line when I've only got 12 items? Believe me. I need ALL 12 of these boxes of panty shields.

What's the deal with the Phillipines?

You ever notice that you get attached to the hobos you've got making wallets for you in your basement?

And I could really go on and on. See how much fun that is?! Taking a look at the little things we all have in common and then finding humor in them. Oh, it is ever so much fun to poke at the things we all share together.

Back to Sir Joseph Lyons, Esq's Essays