I. Turner’s Theory of Temporal Biomechanical Force

“The bitch had it comin.”

Dr. Ike Turner, music pioneer and physicist, posited the theory that if inappropriate biomechanical force were applied to human tissue, an outside influence must be present. This influence, he stated further, must be temporal in nature. Using classical mechanical physics, Dr. Ike Turner concluded that biomechanical force applied to human tissue was a result of equal and opposite force.

“Examine any physical conflict between two able-bodied men. One man strikes the other. The second man strikes back. Proud Mary was my song.”

Dr. Ike Turner believed that while the outside temporal influence that caused the application of biomechanical force to human tissue was most often prior biomechanical force, causality of improper communication shared the blame.

“Consider the fragility of the male ego. Consider the psychological effects of narcotic abuse, generally cocaine. These factors, when combined in a non-sterile environment with no control group, can lead to disastrous biomechanical failures. When I hear back-talk or sass-mouth, a bitch got to be smacked down.”

Therefore, Dr. Ike Turner concluded, if improper communication were combined with a frail ego and narcotic abuse, a temporal influence could be created which would likely result in the application of biomechanical force to human tissue. Or, in the elegantly-stated words of Dr. Ike Turner: “The bitch had it comin.”

II. Turner’s Unified Field Theory

“All bitches everywhere have it comin.”

Dr. Ike Turner, much like his inspiration Albert Einstein, has attempted to reconcile the general theory of relativity with temporal biomechanics in a single field theory. To fully understand Dr. Turner’s Field Theory, one must examine his views of relativity and temporal biomechanics separately. We understand that according to Turner’s Temporal Biomechanical Theory, “The bitch had it comin.” But how can this theory be applied to a field? How can we all benefit from this singular discovery? The answer lies in relativity.

The general principle of relativity requires all observers to experience the same laws of physics, not just those moving with uniform speed, hence its name. Therefore, if Dr. Ike Turner applied biomechanical force to human tissue because of Temporal Biomechanical Theory, then all observers of temporal outside influences must apply biomechanical force to human tissue.

“Are we all not children of men? If you prick us, do we not bleed? Common human experience is the basis for society. The social contract states that we must live in a society that obeys commonly-held laws. If a bitch talks back, you have a responsibility to your fellow man to smack that bitch down. To quote the vernacular, ‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.’ And if that bitch-ass goose starts honking about royalties, she’s gotta get a pop in the mouth.”

Dr. Ike Turner’s reputation as an influential black musician will always outshine his work as a dedicated theoretical physicist. But that doesn’t mean we have to ignore his brilliance. As one scientist to another, I say, “Thank you, Dr. Ike Turner. That bitch did, indeed, have it comin.”

Back to Lord Provost Everett McNewton McCalkins of Brigadoon Literary Disasterworks