Unsatisfied with my fast paced lifestyle of giving erotic backrubs to movie starlets and test flying jetpacks, I have decided to give back to the society that has been so good to me. How? You may ask, trying to pretend like you were listening in the first place. It took me a while to figure out how I was going to do it. Charity? That’s for suckers. Community service? Do I look like I enjoy being around the elderly?! Then it dawned on me. I’m well traveled. I’ve seen and done things most folks have the common sense and proper hygiene not to attempt. It’s simple. I shall write field guides for folks who are uncertain to handle certain situations in life. Through my experience, I’ll make it easy for others to go about their days spanking their children and waxing their bikini zones. An example? Why certainly. Here are 17 ways to infuriate a crossing guard from my best selling field guide "101 Ways to Infuriate a Crossing Guard":

Shriek "CAR!!!" every 45 seconds. Works best when guard is escorting young children.

"Nice vest...STUPID!"

Paint several additional criss-crossing crosswalks on road the night before.

Rent crossing guard uniform and attempt to lead children diagonally across intersection. Playing rock music will make kids think you're the "cool" crossing guard.

"Oh? I can cross now? Thanks, Hitler."

Say you'd love to cross, but not until you get a playful spanking from that handheld stop sign.

Scream at the top of your lungs with every step you take across street. Beg crossing guard to stop causing you so much hurt.

If guard is female: "Oh thanks for the help, Street Waitress." If guard is male: "Oh thanks for the help, ya creepy bastard."

Try to explain to them that you can't follow them because a tribe of Crossing Guards killed your family.

Quack like a duck while being led across the street.

Cross without them and say "Oh, it's ok. I'm half crossing guard, since my Mom got knocked up with me by a crossing guard while my secret agent Dad was in prison in North Korea".

Walk on white lines of cross walk as if on tight rope....and then pretend to fall to your death in the middle of the street.

Pretend as if you’re allergic to yellow vests.

Dress up like a Viking and wait patiently on other side of street for crossing guard to come, whilst brandishing a sword.

Cross street prematurely while pretending you're blind. The more trucks you get to jackknife, the more points you get.

Use taser liberally.

Shout, "My hero!" after being led across street. Attempt to kiss guard until they run away.

What can I say? I live to give.

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