Welcome to the blog of Hodgepodge Society member, Sir Joseph Lyons, Esq, aka SweetMonkeyCreek. Please visit here daily for musings on all things humorous and possibly merry commentary on all things pop-cultural. Enjoy! www.hodgepodgesociety.com

Location:Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Top 17 Ways to Get Your Next Door Neighbors to Move Away

Good News! Here ar the top 17 ways to get your next door neighbors to move away from my top selling field guide (which are printed in code inside Sweet Valley High books) "101 Ways to Get Your Next Door Neighbors to Move Away":

1 - If anything of theirs falls on your property, claim it as your own, be it garden hose, rake, pet, or child.

2 - Put a helpful banner on their house while they're asleep at night. Some helpful slogans are, "Pornography Warehouse", "Closed for De-Lousing", "Orgy Tonight", or "Home of the Drugs For Guns Program".

3 - Steal their morning paper...from their living room.

4 - Every time you speak with them, tell them you're interested in some sort of spouse swap. When they point out that you do not have a spouse, nod suggestively over towards your Subaru.

5 - Tired of boring old eggings? Try to "chicken" their house! It don't matter if they're alive or dead, you're neighbors are gonna hate it...trust me.

6 - Get some dog poo. Put it in a paper bag. Light it on fire. Put it on your neigbor's door step. Ring the doorbell. When they try to put the fire out, that's when you give them the unwanted bikini waxing of a lifetime!

7 - Never forget the old timey charm an outhouse can give your front yard.

8 - Get all offended when they express how much they don't like the cool moat you dug around their house for them.

9 - Always barbeque over a flaming tire.

10 - Be sure to remind the mail carrier that your neighbors happen to hate whatever ethnic group the mail carrier happens to be.

11 - Make sweet, gentle love to whatever snowman they happen to make.

12 - Stand on your front yard twirling a pair of nunchucks and point at their house. Do not stop until the police show up.

13 - Play the theme to Three's Company on a loop. Turn your stereo up to 11. Leave town for a week.

14 - Offer to help clean out your neighbor's garage. Then quickly barricade yourself in there and claim their garage in the name of Spain.

15 - Tell the local news station that there's a stain on the side of their house that kinda looks like Jesus. Invite pilgrims to start a shanty town on your lawn while they worship your neigbor's aluminum siding.

16 - 4 simple words: "Start a llama farm."

17 - Every Sunday invite every one you know to an open air wedding you're having in your front yard for your A-Team action figures.

Consider yourself informed.


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